Some magical way I stumbled across this Jess’ wonderful blog… and I’d like to think it was my destiny to find it. She started something. And this will not be a short one folks, so get comfortable. I AM BEAUTIFUL and everyday, I embrace the thought a little bit more. I haven’t always, but I have gotten comfortable with my beauty as I have grown up. I have been battling with this same monster hiding under my bed. The same monster I have pretty much pretended most of my life didn’t really exist in me (because no way was I like every other female in life, right)? The one monster I’m still afraid of to this day is that little bugger insecurity. In a world where being a size 2 is socially acceptable, imagine how it is to be a 14. Imagine how it was to be a size 16 at one time? Well… that was me. All 165 lbs of me (which is where I am currently, I will spare myself the torture of telling where I have been and never plan to go back (and I must add that I have that large boob curse, although I don’t really consider them a curse. I love my girls, truly. But you are looking at a girl who was a 36? in HS, you try to figure it out). So thank you for this challenge Jess. You will never know how your little blog has given me so much more belief in my own beauty. What makes you beautiful is the challenge.  What makes me beautiful?

What makes me beautiful? I didn’t grow hair until I was 1. But for some reason I cant seem to find anymore pics from the younger years. Bothered but someone moved them and no one seems to know where they were moved to. I am beautiful because I had my ears pierced at the age of 6 months because I looked so much like a boy it was ridiculous, but not in my dresses, just in my onesies. Still adorable eh?

But once the hair started growing, I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem to get arm-tiring thick. I grew older. Does anyone else remember the crayon pic? I do! Ta-da! I’m beautiful because I was a lady at such a young age!!

(Cant find MS pics either. I am upset at the lost pics – Zoom to HS)

In HS I hung out with a set crew. We sang at anything and everything and we were darn good. Unfortunately, the gold on the bottom left transferred junior yr and me and the gold on the right graduated a yr before the bottom right burnt orange did. Long story short… I still talk to the gold on the right. She’s my roadie. I literally went thru the total spectrum of colors because someone told me I couldn’t do it, so I had to. So HS concluded with Platinum Blonde and I was tempted to skip prom because my hair did not match my dress!!! But because my mom spent so much money on everything, I went. So I still rocked it, I would show pics with my date, but let’s just say… I’ve torn those up. Lol. And the pics I took are somewhere, in my senior book likely, which I can’t seem to find either. (Sidenote: I’ve never been a size 2. NEVER.)  I’m beautiful because I will try any color hair or any kind of hair style with total disregard to how others perceive it, I love experimenting! So to start college, I had to let my bleached hair grow out, might as well go afro’d out eh? Yeah let’s try that. And see how it goes I’m beautiful because I am a gifted, talented, smart girl. I was a national merit finalist in 2000. I went by “Dallas” in college because hell, I wasn’t trying to know ppl really. Boy was I wrong because about a month into the summer prior to school… hell EVERYBODY KNEW DALLAS and it wasn’t even intentional. I would meet ppl and they’d be like… “Oh, you Dallas!?! I been tryna run into you/lookin for you/what’s going on this weekend, I know you know!” I dunno, ppl thot I was cool, I can’t help it. I had a grand time in school and by the end of the year… hell people from FSU, FIU, and a few other colleges over Florida knew about Dallas. Dallas had one helluva time partying!!!

What can I say? The Sigma’s were who got most of the buzz. Because they were really about something other than just screwing around, but they did ALOT of that too lol. (*The Alphas did have one helluva Guerilla Thrilla tho, but they were still too trifling. The Kappas appeared too Gay. The Omegas, hmmm, all just LOOKED dirty.*) They knew “Dallas” because “Dallas” could party with the best of them and “Dallas” always had a gang of girls they could pick and choose from. Lol. I was a pimp I guess, what can I say? They were like my brothers, it would’ve been gross. Except for those two and Clyde… hmm… Oh how I remember Clyde, but he wasn’t a Sigma, he just was a friend like me. There wasn’t a Sigma chant I didn’t know. I loved those guys and they loved me too. I’m beautiful because I know how to have a good time without having to sleep with every man I meet.(and they came to love me even more for not being the ‘easy girl’, knowing who to kick it with, and knowing who to completely dismiss.)

It’s taken me a long time to believe in my personal beauty. I was rather shy for a while. Still am sometimes. But I know when I look good.

But I am beautiful because I am the third of three girls and the other two have a better love for Prada and Gucci than I do!!!

I have given my heart freely, had it trampled on and I still value me! I’m beautiful because my tongue is pierced and I will not give you head!

I’m beautiful because I have my own mind, I think for myself. I’m beautiful because my eyes slant and I always look high.

I’m beautiful because I am not a skinny woman. I am beautiful because I’m not the fattest woman. I’m beautiful because I like my size.

I’m beautiful because I cry and I’m not afraid to tell someone when they hurt my feelings. I’m beautiful because I am trustworthy and dependable. I’m beautiful because I wear glasses.  I’m beautiful because I embrace my emotions as hard as they may be. I’m beautiful because I know how to be a friend and I truly value the friends I have made. I’m beautiful because I believe in something greater than me.

I’m beautiful because I have a decent set of teeth, that I generally don’t ever smile to show. I’m beautiful because I have a dent in my forehead. I’m beautiful because I am a jeans and tshirt girl, sweatpants when its cold, baggy clothes. I’m beautiful WITH makeup, but I’m beautiful even without makeup.

Edit: I’m beautiful because I am a dope ass poet, check the pieces if you doubt it. I’m beautiful because I am a magnificent writer. I’m beautiful because I have a squeaky voice – so I have been told, I didnt know that, but now that I do, I embrace that too.

I just posted this WineAnswers.com Pairing Widget for 500 credits; you can earn free credits too!

Let me preface this by saying… I got alot on my mind folks. Hope all of you are well, happy holidays to those that I wont be speaking to around that time, but I may not be back for a while so I want you to know in advance. And uhm… enjoy or don’t. I really don’t know where my writing is going… but it is going.

#46 - How Many Flags (Rambling)

blood splattered across seas from people torn from their families
and those red, white, and blue pieces equate to miseries of living with only memories
of the father whose last words to his family was ‘ill be home soon’
before that bomb exploded and buried him in that army caravan tomb
the last ‘i love you’ replays every time she sees him in her sons face
and explains ‘why daddy isn’t coming home’, son really doesn’t understand at his age
(how many flags)
can recuperate the broken faith of families that were forcefed that lie
the public tale of WMD’s failed and many finally lost belief in that pretend alibi
(how many flags)
can repair the shattered trust of wives just praying for husbands to come home
until greeting the soldiers not believing when they told her he was gone
(how many flags)
can fill the void of the brother deployed before the baby brother got to know him
baby will never know the hopes or goals he had before his future suddenly went dim
(how many flags)
can heal the scars from bazaars where they shopped, happiness across their face
the ceiling gave way that day and the building crumbled, wrong time, wrong place
(how many flags)
does it take to replace the memories that wont fade of the things they had saved
to do soon but they can’t and now those memories are permanently waived
how will they know if this time is the last
how many more flags is all that they ask 
 

#45 – DAM(N)

let her love nourish you as it cascades down your chin
the trembling is the beginning of the breaking dam within
you squeeze her thighs tighter, for a better grip of her passion
you hungrily lap at her as if her nutrients were a tiny ration
let her nourish you completely, tickle her with the tip of your tongue
let her become your ecstasy and see how quickly the dam becomes undone
her love ravages your face and every drop you quickly taste
savor the flavor of her favor… than become anxious to replace
the last taste with another, knowing each one is sweeter than the one before
alternate your pace, see how much she can take, then slowly open the door
feel the warmth as your knight enters the secret chambers of her palace
let it engulf you as you slide into the curve of her sacred chalice
find heaven in her palace, let her jewels of passion adorn your skin
as you enter deeper in, you become the yang and she remains your yin
your knight conquers her fully, engrave your name across her wall
feel the sting of her lashes across your back as she gently claws
pulses resonate from her core outward, the trembling becomes earthquakes
your knight fulfills his conquest, he nods to her as the dam breaks.

so initially… i was going to keep this private, but after encouragement and some very well chosen words from two VERY SPECIAL ppl… i will post it in my journey for growth with this writing thing…. *thanks Special Person 1 and Special Person 2. and i know i said i wasn’t gonna count this towards the 100, i feel i have to.*

#44 - …  

i remember you
every minute detail of your face
i would emulate if i was an artist
i’d recreate your every feature
the small scar on your cheek
i fell in love with
the curved corners of your lips
i still love the way you smile
hints of you linger in everything
your laughter is… still… here
echoing in the caverns of my broken soul
how could i forget?

my emotions still need the memories
you called me ‘babe’
it lifted my spirits
you were me
and i battle with breathing
without you
my lungs dont seem to function
this heart beats differently
my words seem to be frozen
and i can’t seem to speak
cant scream – I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE
even if i know i shouldn’t
shouldn’t doesn’t erase it

because when i close my eyes
we meet all over again 
every time i close my eyes 
you seem to dash into my dreams
and
i secretly wait for those moments
when the love is real again
not missing, not gone
but here, real
where you and i exist… dreams
you can never be forgotten
i can’t escape your quiet calls

i hate to close my eyes
i know you will again be there
i remember you
even though it hurts me to.

the strangest thing seems to happen more than i’d like… but i was working on a piece today… and i’m going to post it anyway. and i thought Mr. Parker’s Scoot Closer piece was brilliant but this is what i worked on today, somewhat similar in some aspects… i know someone needs to stay out of my brain patterns and keep to his own!!! (although… i’m not entirely certain… it is as final as i would like it to be.)

#43 – MY ONE WISH

i’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment i first laid eyes on your lips
since then every time i see you, i’ve always felt this strange tingle between my hips
but i’m so scared to share with you, you’ll never know how i secretly yearn
you earned all my emotions, guard them like the others you’ve taken time to learn
there’s a sacred attraction building, nurturing itself deep within my womb
waiting for your exploration, there you will find the key that unlocks my precious tomb
you didn’t even start with my body, you simply conquered my mind when you spoke
my mental helmet you easily shattered, my emotional shield you immediately broke
you found the pieces of my heart that were scattered like broken glass in the street
and connected them like a puzzle and like a warrior, my heartache you defeat
i’ve seen the way you gaze whenever I wear the red one, my favorite sweater
i admit it makes me feel sexy, something about it simply makes me feel better
i even fight with my brain patterns to keep my eyes from finding their way to yours
i find myself hypnotized by your eyes, surprised? one look and my heart soars
i’ve tried so hard to hide my desires from you, but they always seem to find you
with one glance your way, you become more to me and even i have to face this truth
you’ve found your way into my soul but i’m still unsure if you will not harm me
(like all the others have) but now you are here, on this couch and all i want to see
is the first time your lips touch mine and we find ourselves lost in… this…
moment where minutes feel like bliss.. this kiss… my one wish.

i’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment your eyes traced the curve of my smile
since then every time i see you, i find myself getting lost in your eyes for a while
there’s a sadness hidden behind their glow, something i’ve seen in women many times
you’ll find… i won’t tell you a lie, i won’t pass you by, and i won’t make you cry
why? that’s far from what i want, you can tell me your secrets, in me you can confide
i simply want you to look forward to our future, the way i do, with those same eyes
that still have a hint of happiness twinkling in them when you look up at me sexily
see? that twinkle… it’s just one of the many things i remember about you vividly
i won’t pretend that your red sweater isn’t my favorite… because, hell, it really is
and i’m sure you think that’s shallow, but it’s not just because of the way it fits
(that’s great too) but i really love the way red brings out the hidden blush of your cheeks
it adds to your confidence, it’s the only time you look me in the eyes when you speak
unlike any other time, when you hide those secret glances you’re always giving
i can tell what your body’s craving, i’m sure i have what you’ve been needing
but i want to show you how i can make you feel before i even find your treasure
i promise i’ll be patient while i do more than fill your meters with pleasure
to undress your soul is my goal, but only if and when you decide to allow me to
i’ll prove that you have always been more than just another girl i wanted to do
then i’ll show you exactly how i truly feel if you allow me the chance to share this
one moment where your lips become my personal bliss… this kiss… my one wish.

My jumbled thoughts for the day…

#42 – TUG-OF-WAR

I’m excited by this back and forth game that we often play
I pull you in, you pull back harder, then you suddenly push me away
It’s true, I’m fooled by your mysterious allusion
Confusion enough to cause mental contusions
I… I think about you in ways I really wish I wouldn’t
I wanna feel you in me and I know… I probably shouldn’t
But you’ll never open yourself like I want and feel I need you to
If you did I’d unravel all the layers few have seen through for you
The first tug you introduce your surface you to mine
Gave me the basics of your basis and I saved them in my mind
The second tug you pulled me into your world and welcomed me
I’ve seen the inner core of you and you must not have wanted me to see
Because you suddenly began to push me away…
You no longer talk to me, there are no more words that we say
You’re no where to be found and I don’t think I can handle this
When you call me out the blue to tell me how much I’ve been missed
Foolish cause I allow you to start this game all over again
I give you this emotional rope, I let you pull me back in
With the third tug, I love the way you hypnotize my body
In my dreams I think I feel your soul kissing mine softly
I feel your lips gently kissing on the places I’ve (secretly) begged of you
Then the fourth tug comes, you make me smile, I tingle cause you called me boo
But somewhere down the line, I’ve forgotten this is a game we play
Instead of pulling you towards me, I should just let you pull me your way
But you never do…
As close as I get, you always find a way to reverse the motions
A way to kill my hidden desires with your magical word potions
Each word stabs me in my heart as they drip from your lips
You tell me what role it is I play, how I just don’t seem to fit
In your arena, in your game… you say I’m simply not the same
As the others who you pull but never push in the game they’ve made
But I enjoy being the mouse, your cat instincts may finally catch me
The pulling and the pushing has finally made me open my eyes to see
I’m different and that’s what you like, that’s why you keep on pretending
By the pushing me away, you know I get the message that you’re sending…

This tug of war game we play… will never have an ending.

So Blue Summer mentioned writing a letter that you never intend to send, but write a letter. So I decided to do it, clear off the top of my head, so here goes….

To Them All… (Myself Included)

I am so much better now that I have grown past myself. I have learned more about me in the last year than any of the other 26 years I have lived on this earth, taking for granted the simple things, forgetting the importance of some people and some things and some words. I have gotten to know Shenee’ S.K.D. a million times better than ever before and it is because of you, every single one of you, all of you combined, each of you individually, and the journey I took within myself. But here’s what I know about me, let me explain it to you because you have this huge misconception of me.

I’m a girl, with wants, and desires but I worry too much, most of the time and I stress myself out, most of the time over things that I CANNOT CHANGE. I’m intelligent, I’m constantly evolving, I’m a writer DAMMIT and I will be one until the day I die. I love hard and fully and with everything I am. I love puzzles. I love to figure things out. I love board games, video games, I love reality tv. I’m a romantic, I’m a crybaby, I’m selfish sometimes. I like bodies of water, I love TEXAS - and I didn’t think I did for a long time - I love my family, I love my friends, I’m a giver. I will bend over backwards to help someone else. I know people won’t do the same for me. I hurt. I have pain that I have buried and “moved past” that I haven’t really moved past. I didn’t love me like I should for a long time. I am an open book – if you ask the right questions, I will answer them. I love to read. I love pens – I have thousands in boxes in multiple addresses. I’m a stickler sometimes, things have to be exactly the way I want them or I am an unhappy camper. I love poetry. I love a good hug, even better, a good simple passion-filled kiss.  I want to be loved and not the “love” I have had, I want to be LOVED completely and fully. I want to be completely understood – and not the I know you because we’ve had a few conversations understood, but know me. Know what makes me tick, smile, laugh, cry. Know what hurts me, makes me feel better, care about me the way you would want to be cared for. I’m a true Sagittarius. Flirting is in my DNA I swear!  I’m my father’s daughter, the baby-girl, I am spoiled, deal with it? Ha. I don’t like for things to be repeated to me. I get it once, unless I didn’t hear you, that’s totally different. I don’t like for people to talk to me like they are smarter than me, especially when I know you aren’t. I don’t like sloppy wet kisses. I don’t like holding hands. I don’t like men who don’t captivate my mind, I’m not an easy lay.  I’m smarter than I give myself credit for. I’m better than I think I am. I’m better than I admit I am, at many things. Not just poetry, not just writing, but singing and speaking. I love SUDOKU even more than the typical puzzle. I’m a computer geek. I type 97 wpm, my ten key is over 13000 strokes a minute.  I am brilliant in ways I have yet to discover. I will be remembered, trust me. Finally, I loved you. Each of you differently, but that love was so real and so genuine and you didn’t respect it. You didn’t treasure it like you should and I accepted that. I know that now, took me until now to know that. But each of you have contributed to the way I address -ships now, the damage I feel has been done to my little heart. The way I shield my soul now. You have made me indifferent to men and women. I view friendships harder, I view relationships even harder than that. I’m happily single now.

In all these years, I harbored so much anger towards myself. So much grief. So much sadness about the things I have done, the life I have lived, the ways I have changed. But I have made peace with myself and my mistakes, have you? Have you made peace with yourself for the ways that you live? For the things that you do? For the words that you say? For the people that you hurt? I have. You seem to believe that you hold weight over me, you live on this pedestal in my life… but you don’t ANYMORE. I stand on my own pedestal now. You know, it’s always been so easy for me to dismiss people when I feel they have crossed that final line, the last straw that broke the camel’s back, and every other cliche known to man. It’s easy for me to meet people and welcome people into this outer ring I have. I may have 5 real friends now and that’s by choice. I don’t know if I want to battle the uphill climb of getting so close with people because people will betray you. Like you have, each of you. And I forgive you for the pain you have caused me and for the evil thoughts I may have had towards you, I hope you forgive me too. It takes too much damn energy to live with such vengeance in your heart and I did for so long for so many people. People who crossed me, lied on me, lied to me, hurt me. People who thought they were better than me. Hate is easy to feel. Hate is easy to harbor. Hate is hard to move past sometimes, but I have. I don’t hate you anymore. And I used to really dislike using the word hate or even feeling like I could hate someone, but I did and I harbored it heavily within for years. Years of hate fuel the hate in the worse way but now… I’ve grown from that person. I wish you well in your life even though you may not wish me the same. I actually wish nothing but good things will happen for you in whatever future you plan. Because I know I have so much good coming my way because of all the hell people have placed in my life. And I was so tired, life had become so draining because you had all drained me of ME. But I have her back. Don’t you hate it? I know you wish the damage you thought you had done to me would break me… But YOU CANNOT BREAK ME. You never will, though you may hurt me, I will always rebound. I will always bounce back, because I was always better than you. I just didn’t value myself enough to see it. I didn’t treasure me the way I should have. I didn’t trust me the way I should have. Hell, I didn’t know me the way I thought I did.

It took me until this moment to realize that I am much better without you than I was when I was with you. I don’t hate you, in some small part of me, I still love you, but there will never be another you in my life, nor will I ever welcome you back.

Inspired by…. Him. Title is still being played with tho.

#40 - PLAYGROUND

Your hamma creates this playground
because you nail ecstasy into me every time/I climb/
on top of you like a jungle gym/
your tongue strokes bar to bar, ooo… please tease them
my hips twirl like a merry-go-round/
every way you like, any rhythm can be found/
swing your tongue inside me slowly feel my passion ooze down your slide/
become my personal seesaw that I just can’t wait to ride/
I’m up and down…. up… and down…/
Rising into the air until you pull me right back there/To you… my personal playground

#39 – NO WORDS

The words never form when he’s near her
So she seduces him with her silence
Her secret stares whisper private thoughts to him
She glides near him, her scent intoxicating
They touch in passing, no words do they say
He watches from the darkness, she smiles at the shadow
They make memories with their glances
Of heavenly romances and magic heartfelt moments
But… no words do they say