(So… as usual, there is a preface to this piece. I love it. Period. If you don’t understand it… maybe it isn’t for you to. I hope you can appreciate it though, maybe you can’t. Who really knows. But… I really love it. Been a LONG time since I felt that way about a piece I wrote.)

This poem is not about you BUT… it’s about you
Every thing you said to me that wasn’t ever true
And all the things you said I’d never be able to do
Because you… simply… aren’t that important in reality
You only had power because I thought you were so real to me
When you were really only what I needed you to be
I asked you for support, of course you gave what you could
I leaned because you welcomed me, beside me is where you stood
But this poem… has never EVER been about you
It’s always been about me, but all you see is Y-O-U
Because that’s all your eyes allow you to view
But what you’re eyes don’t allow you to see
Is that THIS poem… has always been about me
Cause I bear the burden of the hurting on my shoulder
Self told me be strong, I’m trying is what I told her
Self said that’s not enough, tough is what the world is made of
Dammit girl, get it together, what is it that you’re afraid of
And… my life took a pause…
Because…
I was so busy including you in my life, I lost sight of me
Sight of all my dreams, all the things I wanted myself to be
Seeeeeee….. Wanting you in my life was easy to do
But putting you out was a game you refused to lose
Because you think it’s always been about you
It could never, ever be about what I learned about me
Through your petty arrogant eyes, I finally saw that she
That I always knew I was but was just too damn afraid to embrace
The she that was waiting to burst thru the broken pieces and replace
ME
Cause she had always been inside, I was just too blind to see
That I didn’t really need you, but you may have needed me 
And this poem… has still… never EVER been about you
It’s always been about me, but all you will see is the Y, the O, and the U
Because that’s all that you’re self-absorbed eyes will allow you to view.

1/29/2009 © ISLYmore

I feel

broken…
everyday
i am broken more
and more
over and over again
by thoughts
that dance in my mind repetitively
i shatter
into smaller pieces continually
because the mirror taunts me
constantly
i am broken
i am battered
i am bruised
and i am…
the broken pieces
they are all me
you must accept them
if you accept me
for they are
a part of me.

Well… someone has started a new epidemic have they? Admitting your xanga crushes are we?  Hmm… I might regret this later, but I doubt it. I don’t really care if they know or if they care!!! So… my xanga crushes are the following people.

Ste’phane Parker …  I mean, who wouldn’t crush on this guy? Somewhere between his words, his voice, his gap, his lips… sometimes even I find myself getting lost in that trance and imagining… hmm, I won’t go into any details. Because he is a mind reader… he can figure it out on his own. But then… some days – he’s like the brother I wish I had, the friend I go to for the best advice, the listener who always has an opinion and someone I truly admire simply because he is who he is. He’s smart. He’s a writer. He’s driven. He’s adorable. He’s sexy. He’s built (altho a little skinny for my personal taste). He loves women appropriately. He’s upfront. He’s got great motion. He’s a lover, not a fighter… but he will kick a dude’s ass if he steps to you the wrong way. He’s a freak! And who doesn’t love that?

Matt Smith … Hello?? What female that roams around Xanga regularly doesn’t know this guy and love this guy? I secretly wish upon stars for him!! He’s witty, he’s smart, he’s attractive, he’s sexy, he’s sarcastic, he’s honest, he’s cocky… (okay, okay… you’re confident ). He knows what he wants out of life, knows what he doesn’t want. He knows who he is. He can analyze you because he’s a closet shrink. Doubt me? He can’t wait to rub that psych degree in your face!  Plus… he endures the cold weather even though he dislikes it, but he secretly loves Ohio. He loves football, loves cereal! How can you not like that? And he always makes sure the toilet tissue is facing the right way!?!?! What more could you ask for? Come on. Only problem… he doesnt know flirting when it’s in his face. Lucky me, I haven’t started flirting with him… yet.

Sexy Sam … because he’s wonderfully articulate, sexier than… i dunno what but he’s sexy. Check out his profile pic if you doubt me! He always make me laugh reading his blogs. He’s so damn wonderful to read. Visit him sometimes. The guy has excellent thoughts and the way he describes things never lets you down. He’s so adorable, he’s handsome and he’s smart! He’s wildly creative too. Fun to be around, I assume. And he’s just an all around interesting character. Someone I truly believe is worth wanting to know.

Adrian …  Now he should already know why!!! I’m kinda thinkin tho – who doesn’t know why? I’ve admitted to it, many times. He’s a cutie, he’s quick to put someone on blast when they need it, he’s secretly shy but not really shy. He enjoys a good time. He’s a character. Did I mention he’s a cutie? He is honest and serious about his business. He’s positioning himself to get where he wants in life… He’s a cool guy, plus… he’s packing! *Darn it, I juss had to put that in there didn’t I?*

Kyle … I won’t put your last name on here for your personal privacy. But… his voice is soooo sexy. I think we secretly crush on each other from our safe places miles away. Lucky for you and lucky for me as well or we’d be sooo much trouble for each other. He’s tall, handsome, sexy. Beautiful eyes. Great physique. Did I mention his voice will make you weak in the knees? He’s seductive. He’s smart. He’s a great writer. Loves the kids. Great mentor. Overall – great dude. Some woman will be entirely too lucky when she catches him.

Now that these crushes have been admitted… don’t think I will be pursuing anything with these handsome devils or any of the ones I didn’t admit to (wink, wink). They are technically off limits to me, so… I will just have to crush on them from a distance. I won’t be flying to anyone’s town to see them, I won’t be secretly sending them messages about how I heart them, and I most definitely WONT feel any embarrassment about admitting this. It was all in fun.

Don’t be so serious guys!

*Okay… I might regret this later.*

I was home today, enjoying history being made from my couch. Imagining all of the wonderful experiences people all over the world were having. I heard every commentator possible speak on the profound affect this experience will have on America. So here it is 11:15 and I am wide eyed, eyes still red from all the tears I shared with my parents. I chose to sit home with my parents to share this moment with them.

My parents.

I listened to them so strongly speak about what this means to them and I could do nothing but thank God that they lived to see it come to pass before their eyes. My parents who were born in the 50s, alive and well during the 60s. Who attended segregated schools, then integrated schools, and the things they experienced simply for their skin. My father is not a crier, he is not emotional. He is on the opposite end of the spectrum actually. And even he was misty eyed. And that is something I will never forget. My parents who were so deeply moved by today that there were no more words shared for minutes after Barack Obama was inaugurated. We simply flipped from channel to channel to channel, watching and tivo’n everything we could. So we could have this moment, this time, this happening for the future.

I am 27 years old. I am apart of the demographic that helped carry Obama into the White House and I couldn’t have more pride for this generation and the future generations to come. Because we will carry this moment in our hearts for the rest of our lives. We will forever remember this day. We will tell the stories to our children and their children. It will be in history books. If you didn’t watch it, didn’t see a PART of it, didn’t want to see any of it… It was a beautiful thing. A very beautiful thing. And while I try to hold back my tears, America never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I am proud to be an American. On this day. At this defining moment. Aren’t you? And it’s so much deeper for me than him being a black man. Look at all the images of the crowds and look at all the images of who supports this man. It’s not about black people supporting black people. It’s about EVERYONE supporting the RIGHT man. And forgive me for being so WOWED at America.

I sat on my couch and watched the images of Bush thru the years… in only 7 yrs he aged what seemed like 40 yrs. And I sat there and began to feel so much shame. For disliking this man so much. For having so much anger towards him. In that moment, I realized he was just another man, he was human. He has feelings. He hurts, he cries, he fears. And although his decisions weren’t always the best ones, he made the decisions he felt were the best at the time. Somethings he could have done wiser, some things he could have addressed in a more timely manner, but he did what he could. And I truly hate that his legacy as a president will be tarnished because of how things fell apart in the end.

President Obama… I pray for you. I pray for your family. I pray for your advisors and trusted friends. I worry for you, that America will not be so kind all the time. You have a long road ahead of you. So much to repair, rebuild, and recreate. But you have the endurance that so many lack. You have the persistence, the drive… that so many need to be able to see. For that, we thank you. You have followers who are faithful, who will ride with you until the end, but know that you have followers who will not be faithful, who will turn on you when they feel the time is right for them. Be mindful of all that has happened before you, mindful of all that has happened to get America to this day. Continue to remember the little people, the people who needed something to believe in. Never forget where you have been, never forget where you are going, and never forget what you have burned into the hearts of Americans, what we needed to find again… HOPE.

The time is now… What do you plan to do to see America restored?

But I’m about to. Some may be longer than others – but you all have become my family in one way or another.

Mr. Ste’phane… You already know how I feel about you, but for those who don’t know, this man helped me find the will to push again. You pushed me to wake up. To stop living so deeply rooted in my past and to move forward, to knock to the walls, and keep striving. For that I will forever love him in ways I will love no other man. You’ve never made me feel ashamed. You never let me believe I was a failure. You never allowed me to feel pity or stupid. You never let me down. You always reached your hand out to me and that… is truly… You know what it is. You taught me so much about ‘men’ and ‘women’ and ‘arenas’ and ‘games’ and ‘puzzles’. He definitely is what a real woman would desire, so I understand ladies!!  But… honestly, I don’t think I will ever be able to forget you or what you have given me. You pushed me to write again, something I long forgotten I loved to do. You pushed me to believe in myself and you’ve never allowed me to feel any less than talented. I will forever owe him a huge debt. You gotta special place in my heart and it grows each time we speak. He’s the real deal folks, I’d vouch for him anyday.

Ms. Alisa… You are a wonderful example of what a teacher should be. Nurturing, caring, considerate, and honest. You are so high on my list of Xanga fans now, you will never know what your challenge will continue to do for me. You singlehandedly made me be honest with myself, which for some reason I was having the hardest time doing so. I appreciate you very much, I respect you highly, and I hope to only get to know you better. And you continue to show us what the world is like for you and the example of an honest independent woman. I will always look up to you.

Mr. Larry Gene… Your name is real deal ol’ skool playa and I love it. You are truly one of the first men on this site that got me to open up and I respect that truly. There’s no game about you, no lies. You are straight up real and how can that not be respected. You are a special dude, keep treating Trenay right or we might have some problems, ya hear? Keep learning to be human baby boy, it’s not such a terrible world ya know. Thank you for welcoming me into your world with no conclusions as to who I was and what I wanted from you. You are genuinely a good man and I love that about you. You are caring and it’s a treasure to laugh and argue with you.

Ms. Courtney… You make me smile all the time. I enjoy you for your growing phase in life. Just remember that every day is a growing phase in life. Keep learning more about yourself until you can’t know yourself any better. Never forget the lessons you have learned in life, no matter how small or big. They will always impact your life. Thank you for being so sweet and never shielding yourself from me. I will always be an ear if you need it. Remember that okay? I have always felt like you were my little sister for some reason.

Mr. Dwayne… You always make me laugh. That is so important to me. You keep me current on sports, you always have something positive to say and I appreciate that so much. You have never made me feel unimportant and what woman would dislike that? You shouted me out for my birthday, which NO ONE ELSE did. You have always been such a great character to know and for that, I will always dig ya style.

Ms. Pennie… I have had a soft spot for you since I first ran across your blog. You have always made me feel like I was special. Like I had a calling. Like I had a place and I have always had such a connection with you from the beginning. I knew there was something about you that drew me to you and it is simply because you are a beautiful, caring, sensitive woman. And I respect all of that. Never let anyone take it from you. Keep praying Pennie. I appreciate your friendship and your utter honesty.

Mr. Mark… You have always made me want to be better than what I allowed myself to be. Never letting me doubt myself or fall prey to any belief in my failures. I have always been a fan, always will be. Thank you for being so kind from the beginning. It’s truly been wonderful to know you.

Ms. Amanda… You too have always been so honest with me. You have never had a bad word to say about me, always been so nice. I have appreciated knowing you and getting to know you. You impressed me from the beginning. You are a wonderful mother, such a sweet person and you’re so young! I admire you very much for what you have been thru and what you have gained. Keep being so strong so you can teach your daughter to be just like you.

Ms. Monica… Since day one, I have always identified with you. Something about you has always been a bright bulb in my head. I have wanted no more than to be an ear, support you in whatever paths you’ve decided to take and I never really knew why. Now I do, I see so much of myself in you and I want to make sure you don’t stumble over the same blocks I did in life. Thank you for allowing me to come into your life and voice my opinion about your life. It’s truly been special. You, too, have always been my little sister.

Ms. Ashley… Thank you for being brutally honest with me about my work, it’s truly an honor to have someone tell you the gut-wrenching truth. Thank you for welcoming me into your life. You’ve always been so sweet and so real. Keep doing you girl. The world will fall at your feet.

Nomo… You truly are the king of this writing thing. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading. I’ll stay a fan until you stop.

Adrian, ’Nique, B’Poetic, aMnSWords, DeAdrell, Mahogany_Nymph, BeautifulCinnamon… Thank you all for allowing me to creep into your lives and watch from my distant corner in Dallas. Thank you all for being some of the realest and truest. Keep on being who you are and I will keep sneaking into your life from Dallas.

If I have missed anyone, it’s not because you aren’t special. It’s simply because, these people have read my life and know me so much better than some of my closest friends and I wanted to thank them for WANTING to get to know me.  Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for being who you are above all else. I love you all for that and I will always love them for that. They have become my small Xanga family. You have no idea what you missed. It’s going on the protected list.

And now I’m all boo-hoo’n and cryin’… Look what ya’ll have done to me. I’m soft MANE!

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.” -John Jakes  

From a rec I visited SoAnonyMiss‘s blog. She offered a challenge to her 12th grade students and challenged the rest of xanga to do it too. The details of the challenge can be found HERE. In short, you copy this quote to the top of your blog then you write about yourself in the most open and honest form about the things that are relevant to you. Your fears, strengths, whatever you want. When you finish your challenge, tag her to it so she can find it….and if you don’t mind…tag me too….Well… here’s BlueRebel’s and here’s Larry’s.

Now here’s mine:

Shenee – The Unrated Version

Now I am taking this blog in a different direction, kinda. I want everyone who reads to know that the basis of this blog is to be brutally honest with myself. so I will do that and it will open wounds. it may hurt. it may shock you, it may open thoughts that are similar for you. it may make you look at me differently, but personally… if I am to be brutally honest… I really dont care how YOU feel about ME. I have enough troubles dealing with how I feel about ME, dealing with how you may feel about me… is really low on my list of concerns. But I do care how YOU feel about ME (just not with what this blog deals with). This is me, brutally honest and real, with me. So if your job is to judge me, be prepared to be removed from my friends list!

You think you know…. But you have no idea…  I have lived a very fast life. I couldn’t tell you what happened the years of 2005 or 2006 or really 2007. I only know what’s in my journal, because it’s in my journal. I remember some things, but not the entire events of the years because I was a drug and liquor addict. I drank to forget. I drank to have “fun”. I drank because my friends were doing it and I didn’t want to be the oddball. I drank because? DAMMIT the liquor TASTED so good. I smoked marijuana because it was an easy escape. It gave me the power to run from real life and live in the high. The option to forget the wrong I was doing and embrace the “right”. Or so I thought then. I did more than smoke marijuana. I had problems that I ran from. I didn’t accept me, I didn’t believe in me. I didn’t LIKE me.  I took ecstacy and snorted cocaine as well. I loved being high. And I never admitted to anyone that I was an addict until just now, with this blog. It is the first time I have said it, the first time I can look back at myself and agree with the possibility. And it’s true. Don’t confuse it, I wasn’t the “leave my babies at home, while I go buy some drugs” addict. I was the “had an 8-5 job I worked faithfully everyday, paid bills regularly, went to church on Sundays, no one ever knew” addict. Because NO ONE KNEW (except those that were involved with me in the activities). But I was an addict and technically that makes me still an addict.  They say you never get over the addiction, you just grow away from it, you lose the taste for it. Yet, you still wake up some mornings thinking… “I wonder if“… and it’s true but one day, I just stopped. I stopped and I haven’t really looked back.

It took me months to understand why I was living the way I was and some days I still wonder what pushed me over the edge… but what I’m learning pushed me over the edge wasn’t one single act. It wasn’t a chain of things. It was living everyday, waking up every morning feeling like I could no longer handle living. Like my life should be entirely different than it was and it was my fault that it was rolling down the path it was on. And the snowball was beginning to be bigger than I could control. Top that all off with the revelation that I have an addictive personality. Whatever I am going to do, I do it incessantly. Until I tire from it, until it gets exhausting to think about it. Drinking, smoking, popping pills, snorting cocaine all fell into that addictive personality and combined to make me… an addict. I felt my heart slowing and it was funny. I felt my heat draining and it was normal. I wanted to die then. I felt no will to live. I felt no want to continue, nothing to strive for. And even now… on my worst days, those feelings come back. I had to evaluate my friends and family members. Were they serving me a purpose? Was I gaining anything from being their friend? And in the end… I had a lot more no’s than I had yes’. It sucked. It hurt. It made me wonder how low were my standards.

So I shut down. I stopped wanting friends, stopped trusting the ones I did have. I stopped trusting me. Until I found me again. Which didn’t happen until about 6 months ago and the adventure is FAR from over. I’m learning everyday. I’m accepting myself more every day.  I have been blessed to meet some of the most inspirational people in the last 6 months. I am so very glad I came back. Seeing their lives and reading their experiences make me understand that I am not alone, I have something better to strive for. Something more to do. They make me want to live. They make me want to push a little harder, they make me feel welcome, like failure is not an option. They believe in me, which helps me believe in me when I start to falter.But the ledge still exists and I wonder how long I will linger between wanting to fall off again and feeling like my life will be better if I keep pushing…

But I keep pushing if not only for me, but for the people who stand behind me – accepting me for me as I am learning to do myself. I am an addict, I am human, I’ve made mistakes, I am growing, I am learning how to love me even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’ve been up, I’ve been down. I’ve hated myself, I’ve loved myself, I’d forgotten how to love myself, I’m finding that love again.

Now I’m somewhere in the middle and I accept that because I know where I have been and I’m still wanting to love… me.

(I guess you do too now.)

(Secret Lust, Anticipating, Chain Rhyme – AABA, BBCB, CCDC, DDDD – so… I got this idea from Mr. Parker, with the card flip overs and all. Thats my topic, emotion, and style. Hope you like this piece, I like it and I like where my writing is going. So enjoy or not. Let me know either way.)

I quietly scroll through your pictures and find myself fantasizing about you every chance I get
Sitting at the screen, I begin imagining how your hands feel on my body and quickly I become wet
Pretending that your lips are planting seduction’s flowers across my body, how badly I crave you
To have only this moment to taste your tantalizing skin would be worth it, it’d truly be perfect

To feel your hands massaging my skin softly as my legs spread slightly for you, if only you knew
How badly I want to feel your fingers then I’d know if your touch really is my one dream come true
Cause I’ve dreamed of you in ways I know I shouldnt, I wouldn’t ever be able to admit it though
But I know it’d be divine if your lips met mine, we’d view our souls’d combine as one instead of two

Yet you remain, thousands of miles away, not knowing when I touch myself i imagine how it would go
How your kisses felt like satin tickling my inner thigh and I get hotter with each breath you blow
My body begging to feel your pressures, feel your rhythym and blues measures boom to my erotic beat
Deplete every drop of my love as you go while you continue to put on your best taste-testing show

Let me flow down your chin before you slide in, before you dive into my wetness and test its reach
Those orgasmic moments I’ve shared with you many times, you’d find I’d share them if we could speak
But you stray away from thinking like this, I’m aware, I know I dont do for you what you do for me
So I secretly view your pictures, the fantasies secretly continue, even if only for my eyes to see.

So… my random thots of the day… It’s kinda… wonderful i think.

my soul is drained and emptied

i have given the best parts of me, had them stolen from my identity

by friends, family, lovers, and haters

but i smile.

even though i still am missing the vital parts of my being

and life seems to be falling apart at the seams

nothing i do seems to make it better

it seems my hardest attempts only make things worse

but i still smile.

because smiling is all that i know how to do right now

smiling is all that i can do when nothing else seems to be the right thing to do right now

and no one may ever know that hidden behind that smile

are the emotions i will never share because they make me too weak

the feelings i will never tell because they hurt too much to feel

the thoughts i hate to think because they reveal too much sorrow

the desires i will never act on because i know i’m not what he wants

i am a shell of nothingness and here i stand

still smiling for the future

hoping for better days

praying for open pathways

pressing for a brighter year

and there 

i still

will smile.

Let me preface this by saying I wrote this brilliant blog…about ten mins ago and my laptop crashed on me, so it’s poof’d now. Sorry. This is a synopsis of that blog tho.

If you didnt get the memo… it is now 2009. Ring the alarm, jingle the bells, shout from the rooftops, all that. Its a new year. Whoo-Hoo. Don’t sound that exciting huh? Well, I’m working on it.

Time for shoutouts: Mr. Parker – thank you for inspiring me to write again. Thank you is not even accurate for how I feel for what you have given me again. I will forever be grateful and you know that. I’ve told you before. Ms. Jess – thank you for being such a lady at all times and showing the Xanga world what a real lady is. Pennie – all things will work out for your favor, continue to pray. Thanks for always having a kind word. Nomo – you truly are brilliant and you inspire me. And I’m bothered that I don’t know your name at all! You mysterious creature you.  Mark - keep writing and continue to strive for the best. Larry - thank you for showing me that there are “feelingsinside”. A brilliant man you are, I love watching the evolution. Matt – what can I say about you? I used to think you were the coolest. Now I think you’re uber dope. Period. Stay educational, satirical, and thot provoking, I’ll keep coming your way. Ms. C-J – we are gonna get it together this year, you and me both. I’ll keep ya in my prayers, stay living and loving life, you’re young. Keep striving and growing. Kyle - you’re a special guy. Keep writing, keep thinking, keep praying, keep believing.  Ms.Thiq, Monica, Dadj… Thank you for being honest with me about my artistry.  If I forgot someone… charge it to the unhealthy habits I’ve had and not my heart. I’m growing ya’ll.

Ms. C-J… I’m jacking your Afraid thots and doing my own: I am afraid that 2009 will be just like 2008. Another year in my distant future, I will forget. I am afraid I will have more memories of failure than success. I am afraid I will not be remembered at all. I am afraid I will always love too hard. I am afraid I will always love more than I am loved in return. I am afraid no one will love me like I know I deserve. I am afraid I will be hurt again. I am afraid I am closing myself off to people who deserve to be in my life. I am afraid I am starting to dislike people simply for how others have treated me. I am afraid I will never trust a new woman, someone I don’t really know like that, for the way I have always perceived women and how the women who were closest to me have damaged me friendship-wise. I am afraid I will fail, no matter how hard I try, I am afraid I will always fail.

2008 in a nutshell… I had a boyfriend, we broke up. I loved. I hated. I wanted. I needed. I lusted. I had. I gave. I used. I was. I wasn’t. I did. I didn’t. I changed. I changed again. I’m better and I’m still here. I still love.  So… I hope 2009 will be better. We shall see.