I usually don’t write thank you pieces or positive pieces for people, but its been on my mind for a while, so here goes. I hope it is well received.

FOR CHRISTOPHER…

I really didnt want to piece together words to describe how anyone should feel for you
To simply know you would never be enough, it’s hard to feel like you’re close enough to
Really completely understand you, but truth be told its the wondering that has us in a hold
So we wonder, until we cant wonder anymore, then we concede, realizing it’s an honor just to know
YOU
So I won’t just piece together words that rhyme to tell you how anyone should feel about you
I will simply say what I have to say, from me to you, and hope that they rhyme a lil bit too
You represent everything that is trustworthy in a man, if I could clone you for every woman I would
A gentleman with absolute reserve, I see you’ve learned to value ALL women as only a true man should
Exuding honesty and integrity with every word that you speak, there is no feel of falseness to your being
Intelligent and constantly learning, steadily evolving, creativity is what keeps your heart beating
As elusive as you are, you open your self within your words, and its there your soul constantly seeps
Onto the pages of the paper for whoever attempts to peer into your world, it’s open for all of us to peek
You paint magnificent masterpieces with your words, molding memories that you share with all who read freely
No admission fee to enter into Christopher’s world of words, it’s there that every bit of you is disguised secretly
There’s no parts of you so well hidden that cant be found discreetly camouflaged amongst your written words
You leave your heart open, your soul’s exposed if the message is recieved correctly by those who’ve heard
Or read your wonderful works, there’s something about the way you write that seems extraordinary
You make me feel as though my thoughts and the words I plot are nothing but EXTRA ORDINARY
But its your artistry I’ve come to see that’s awakened the deepest, most dormant parts of me
And for that I will forever owe you a huge debt, it was you who helped me see what I could be
If only I reached for my highest potential just like you, truly you are my greatest inspiration
I had been waiting for the train to come my way, not knowing I wasn’t even waiting at the station
Until I met and got to know Christopher… “lowkey” your creativity is my constant motivating force
I have become one of your biggest fans and anything you ever produce I’ll likely be the first to endorse
Even with the rarity of slight misspellings and the letters missing, all you produce is quality work
I may be nobody famous, but I believe in my heart you will do great things before you leave this earth
I take pride in knowing a portion of this brilliant man and even though it may be just a surface view
You’ve helped me begin my journey to find me again and for that… I truly thank you.

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# 48 - Thrown Memories (Thanks Mr. Parker, you get cred) 

throw my memory away, dont call me again, dont mention my name
forget about my classy ways, those classless babes dont love the same
you’ll see, by then itll be too late, i wont remember what you look like
wont remember how angry you made me, wont remember every stupid little fight
matter of fact, you dont even deserve the time i’ve spent letting tears fall
you arent even worth the energy ive lost, you were never deserving of all
or any of the parts of me that i allowed you to take FROM me
we were never meant to see this us, we were simply never meant to be
but instead of allowing myself to be honest with myself about all of it
i played into the fallacy of what we should be, i thought you were my fit
i was addicted to what you gave me, that extra good game you played
had me drawn like a moth to a flame from that extra great pipe you layed
you betrayed my emotions purposefully, tied the noose around them with your words
then allowed your pride to watch them hang and for that your name will never be heard
never again will i mention you, you aren’t even allowed to tiptoe through any thought
after these last few lines you’re completely dismissed, you are completely forgot
just like the best parts of me you threw away thinking i’d never find them again
i had to delete some files from my mental cabinet, throw some things in the trash bin
so before this gets too personal and i throw hate daggers at your black soul
throw my memory away, like i’ve done yours, our history will never be re-told.

#47 – I Wished I Said Hello

I wished I said hello

While the birds sang their sweet muzak as you walked by because
I begged them to sway you my way, but as you passed I just couldn’t
Seem to remember the words to their songs and I couldn’t understand
How I truly feel about you or why I feel so deeply for you
Even though I will never tell you, I’m too shy to look your way so I
Dream of you in intimate ways and replay visions of our romance in my head

I

See you but only in fleeting moments of peripheral passing
Although I hoped one day I would catch your eyes and yours mine
I think I would be able to speak to you but I hope you’d speak first
Doubt would fill my lungs if I built up the nerve to swerve into your lane

Hope you will ignore my awkward movements and nervous blushing
Ever notice my aura brighten when your aroma wafts within reach of my nose?
Lulled by the way you exhale, I find myself automatically breathing on beat
Lured in by those eyes that never seem to focus on me but look right at me
Overwhelmed when you begin to finally approach me, I LOVE YOU I blurted

Innocence was shattered then, you didn’t know exactly what to say
Nothing had ever seemed more embarrassing, how do you change that instance
Sort of just stood there and looked at me, not knowing how deeply I felt inside
Time froze then, I wished I could take those words back, but I really cant
Each one seemed so perfect when I thought them, didn’t know I would say them
And now we stand, staring at each other, not knowing how to respond
Deep down I hoped you wouldn’t change and those words stayed in my head

I W.I.S.H.E.D. I S.A.I.D. H.E.L.L.O. I.N.S.T.E.A.D.

Some magical way I stumbled across this Jess’ wonderful blog… and I’d like to think it was my destiny to find it. She started something. And this will not be a short one folks, so get comfortable. I AM BEAUTIFUL and everyday, I embrace the thought a little bit more. I haven’t always, but I have gotten comfortable with my beauty as I have grown up. I have been battling with this same monster hiding under my bed. The same monster I have pretty much pretended most of my life didn’t really exist in me (because no way was I like every other female in life, right)? The one monster I’m still afraid of to this day is that little bugger insecurity. In a world where being a size 2 is socially acceptable, imagine how it is to be a 14. Imagine how it was to be a size 16 at one time? Well… that was me. All 165 lbs of me (which is where I am currently, I will spare myself the torture of telling where I have been and never plan to go back (and I must add that I have that large boob curse, although I don’t really consider them a curse. I love my girls, truly. But you are looking at a girl who was a 36? in HS, you try to figure it out). So thank you for this challenge Jess. You will never know how your little blog has given me so much more belief in my own beauty. What makes you beautiful is the challenge.  What makes me beautiful?

What makes me beautiful? I didn’t grow hair until I was 1. But for some reason I cant seem to find anymore pics from the younger years. Bothered but someone moved them and no one seems to know where they were moved to. I am beautiful because I had my ears pierced at the age of 6 months because I looked so much like a boy it was ridiculous, but not in my dresses, just in my onesies. Still adorable eh?

But once the hair started growing, I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem to get arm-tiring thick. I grew older. Does anyone else remember the crayon pic? I do! Ta-da! I’m beautiful because I was a lady at such a young age!!

(Cant find MS pics either. I am upset at the lost pics – Zoom to HS)

In HS I hung out with a set crew. We sang at anything and everything and we were darn good. Unfortunately, the gold on the bottom left transferred junior yr and me and the gold on the right graduated a yr before the bottom right burnt orange did. Long story short… I still talk to the gold on the right. She’s my roadie. I literally went thru the total spectrum of colors because someone told me I couldn’t do it, so I had to. So HS concluded with Platinum Blonde and I was tempted to skip prom because my hair did not match my dress!!! But because my mom spent so much money on everything, I went. So I still rocked it, I would show pics with my date, but let’s just say… I’ve torn those up. Lol. And the pics I took are somewhere, in my senior book likely, which I can’t seem to find either. (Sidenote: I’ve never been a size 2. NEVER.)  I’m beautiful because I will try any color hair or any kind of hair style with total disregard to how others perceive it, I love experimenting! So to start college, I had to let my bleached hair grow out, might as well go afro’d out eh? Yeah let’s try that. And see how it goes I’m beautiful because I am a gifted, talented, smart girl. I was a national merit finalist in 2000. I went by “Dallas” in college because hell, I wasn’t trying to know ppl really. Boy was I wrong because about a month into the summer prior to school… hell EVERYBODY KNEW DALLAS and it wasn’t even intentional. I would meet ppl and they’d be like… “Oh, you Dallas!?! I been tryna run into you/lookin for you/what’s going on this weekend, I know you know!” I dunno, ppl thot I was cool, I can’t help it. I had a grand time in school and by the end of the year… hell people from FSU, FIU, and a few other colleges over Florida knew about Dallas. Dallas had one helluva time partying!!!

What can I say? The Sigma’s were who got most of the buzz. Because they were really about something other than just screwing around, but they did ALOT of that too lol. (*The Alphas did have one helluva Guerilla Thrilla tho, but they were still too trifling. The Kappas appeared too Gay. The Omegas, hmmm, all just LOOKED dirty.*) They knew “Dallas” because “Dallas” could party with the best of them and “Dallas” always had a gang of girls they could pick and choose from. Lol. I was a pimp I guess, what can I say? They were like my brothers, it would’ve been gross. Except for those two and Clyde… hmm… Oh how I remember Clyde, but he wasn’t a Sigma, he just was a friend like me. There wasn’t a Sigma chant I didn’t know. I loved those guys and they loved me too. I’m beautiful because I know how to have a good time without having to sleep with every man I meet.(and they came to love me even more for not being the ‘easy girl’, knowing who to kick it with, and knowing who to completely dismiss.)

It’s taken me a long time to believe in my personal beauty. I was rather shy for a while. Still am sometimes. But I know when I look good.

But I am beautiful because I am the third of three girls and the other two have a better love for Prada and Gucci than I do!!!

I have given my heart freely, had it trampled on and I still value me! I’m beautiful because my tongue is pierced and I will not give you head!

I’m beautiful because I have my own mind, I think for myself. I’m beautiful because my eyes slant and I always look high.

I’m beautiful because I am not a skinny woman. I am beautiful because I’m not the fattest woman. I’m beautiful because I like my size.

I’m beautiful because I cry and I’m not afraid to tell someone when they hurt my feelings. I’m beautiful because I am trustworthy and dependable. I’m beautiful because I wear glasses.  I’m beautiful because I embrace my emotions as hard as they may be. I’m beautiful because I know how to be a friend and I truly value the friends I have made. I’m beautiful because I believe in something greater than me.

I’m beautiful because I have a decent set of teeth, that I generally don’t ever smile to show. I’m beautiful because I have a dent in my forehead. I’m beautiful because I am a jeans and tshirt girl, sweatpants when its cold, baggy clothes. I’m beautiful WITH makeup, but I’m beautiful even without makeup.

Edit: I’m beautiful because I am a dope ass poet, check the pieces if you doubt it. I’m beautiful because I am a magnificent writer. I’m beautiful because I have a squeaky voice – so I have been told, I didnt know that, but now that I do, I embrace that too.

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Let me preface this by saying… I got alot on my mind folks. Hope all of you are well, happy holidays to those that I wont be speaking to around that time, but I may not be back for a while so I want you to know in advance. And uhm… enjoy or don’t. I really don’t know where my writing is going… but it is going.

#46 - How Many Flags (Rambling)

blood splattered across seas from people torn from their families
and those red, white, and blue pieces equate to miseries of living with only memories
of the father whose last words to his family was ‘ill be home soon’
before that bomb exploded and buried him in that army caravan tomb
the last ‘i love you’ replays every time she sees him in her sons face
and explains ‘why daddy isn’t coming home’, son really doesn’t understand at his age
(how many flags)
can recuperate the broken faith of families that were forcefed that lie
the public tale of WMD’s failed and many finally lost belief in that pretend alibi
(how many flags)
can repair the shattered trust of wives just praying for husbands to come home
until greeting the soldiers not believing when they told her he was gone
(how many flags)
can fill the void of the brother deployed before the baby brother got to know him
baby will never know the hopes or goals he had before his future suddenly went dim
(how many flags)
can heal the scars from bazaars where they shopped, happiness across their face
the ceiling gave way that day and the building crumbled, wrong time, wrong place
(how many flags)
does it take to replace the memories that wont fade of the things they had saved
to do soon but they can’t and now those memories are permanently waived
how will they know if this time is the last
how many more flags is all that they ask 
 

#45 – DAM(N)

let her love nourish you as it cascades down your chin
the trembling is the beginning of the breaking dam within
you squeeze her thighs tighter, for a better grip of her passion
you hungrily lap at her as if her nutrients were a tiny ration
let her nourish you completely, tickle her with the tip of your tongue
let her become your ecstasy and see how quickly the dam becomes undone
her love ravages your face and every drop you quickly taste
savor the flavor of her favor… than become anxious to replace
the last taste with another, knowing each one is sweeter than the one before
alternate your pace, see how much she can take, then slowly open the door
feel the warmth as your knight enters the secret chambers of her palace
let it engulf you as you slide into the curve of her sacred chalice
find heaven in her palace, let her jewels of passion adorn your skin
as you enter deeper in, you become the yang and she remains your yin
your knight conquers her fully, engrave your name across her wall
feel the sting of her lashes across your back as she gently claws
pulses resonate from her core outward, the trembling becomes earthquakes
your knight fulfills his conquest, he nods to her as the dam breaks.

so initially… i was going to keep this private, but after encouragement and some very well chosen words from two VERY SPECIAL ppl… i will post it in my journey for growth with this writing thing…. *thanks Special Person 1 and Special Person 2. and i know i said i wasn’t gonna count this towards the 100, i feel i have to.*

#44 - …  

i remember you
every minute detail of your face
i would emulate if i was an artist
i’d recreate your every feature
the small scar on your cheek
i fell in love with
the curved corners of your lips
i still love the way you smile
hints of you linger in everything
your laughter is… still… here
echoing in the caverns of my broken soul
how could i forget?

my emotions still need the memories
you called me ‘babe’
it lifted my spirits
you were me
and i battle with breathing
without you
my lungs dont seem to function
this heart beats differently
my words seem to be frozen
and i can’t seem to speak
cant scream – I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE
even if i know i shouldn’t
shouldn’t doesn’t erase it

because when i close my eyes
we meet all over again 
every time i close my eyes 
you seem to dash into my dreams
and
i secretly wait for those moments
when the love is real again
not missing, not gone
but here, real
where you and i exist… dreams
you can never be forgotten
i can’t escape your quiet calls

i hate to close my eyes
i know you will again be there
i remember you
even though it hurts me to.

the strangest thing seems to happen more than i’d like… but i was working on a piece today… and i’m going to post it anyway. and i thought Mr. Parker’s Scoot Closer piece was brilliant but this is what i worked on today, somewhat similar in some aspects… i know someone needs to stay out of my brain patterns and keep to his own!!! (although… i’m not entirely certain… it is as final as i would like it to be.)

#43 – MY ONE WISH

i’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment i first laid eyes on your lips
since then every time i see you, i’ve always felt this strange tingle between my hips
but i’m so scared to share with you, you’ll never know how i secretly yearn
you earned all my emotions, guard them like the others you’ve taken time to learn
there’s a sacred attraction building, nurturing itself deep within my womb
waiting for your exploration, there you will find the key that unlocks my precious tomb
you didn’t even start with my body, you simply conquered my mind when you spoke
my mental helmet you easily shattered, my emotional shield you immediately broke
you found the pieces of my heart that were scattered like broken glass in the street
and connected them like a puzzle and like a warrior, my heartache you defeat
i’ve seen the way you gaze whenever I wear the red one, my favorite sweater
i admit it makes me feel sexy, something about it simply makes me feel better
i even fight with my brain patterns to keep my eyes from finding their way to yours
i find myself hypnotized by your eyes, surprised? one look and my heart soars
i’ve tried so hard to hide my desires from you, but they always seem to find you
with one glance your way, you become more to me and even i have to face this truth
you’ve found your way into my soul but i’m still unsure if you will not harm me
(like all the others have) but now you are here, on this couch and all i want to see
is the first time your lips touch mine and we find ourselves lost in… this…
moment where minutes feel like bliss.. this kiss… my one wish.

i’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment your eyes traced the curve of my smile
since then every time i see you, i find myself getting lost in your eyes for a while
there’s a sadness hidden behind their glow, something i’ve seen in women many times
you’ll find… i won’t tell you a lie, i won’t pass you by, and i won’t make you cry
why? that’s far from what i want, you can tell me your secrets, in me you can confide
i simply want you to look forward to our future, the way i do, with those same eyes
that still have a hint of happiness twinkling in them when you look up at me sexily
see? that twinkle… it’s just one of the many things i remember about you vividly
i won’t pretend that your red sweater isn’t my favorite… because, hell, it really is
and i’m sure you think that’s shallow, but it’s not just because of the way it fits
(that’s great too) but i really love the way red brings out the hidden blush of your cheeks
it adds to your confidence, it’s the only time you look me in the eyes when you speak
unlike any other time, when you hide those secret glances you’re always giving
i can tell what your body’s craving, i’m sure i have what you’ve been needing
but i want to show you how i can make you feel before i even find your treasure
i promise i’ll be patient while i do more than fill your meters with pleasure
to undress your soul is my goal, but only if and when you decide to allow me to
i’ll prove that you have always been more than just another girl i wanted to do
then i’ll show you exactly how i truly feel if you allow me the chance to share this
one moment where your lips become my personal bliss… this kiss… my one wish.