So Blue Summer mentioned writing a letter that you never intend to send, but write a letter. So I decided to do it, clear off the top of my head, so here goes….

To Them All… (Myself Included)

I am so much better now that I have grown past myself. I have learned more about me in the last year than any of the other 26 years I have lived on this earth, taking for granted the simple things, forgetting the importance of some people and some things and some words. I have gotten to know Shenee’ S.K.D. a million times better than ever before and it is because of you, every single one of you, all of you combined, each of you individually, and the journey I took within myself. But here’s what I know about me, let me explain it to you because you have this huge misconception of me.

I’m a girl, with wants, and desires but I worry too much, most of the time and I stress myself out, most of the time over things that I CANNOT CHANGE. I’m intelligent, I’m constantly evolving, I’m a writer DAMMIT and I will be one until the day I die. I love hard and fully and with everything I am. I love puzzles. I love to figure things out. I love board games, video games, I love reality tv. I’m a romantic, I’m a crybaby, I’m selfish sometimes. I like bodies of water, I love TEXAS - and I didn’t think I did for a long time - I love my family, I love my friends, I’m a giver. I will bend over backwards to help someone else. I know people won’t do the same for me. I hurt. I have pain that I have buried and “moved past” that I haven’t really moved past. I didn’t love me like I should for a long time. I am an open book – if you ask the right questions, I will answer them. I love to read. I love pens – I have thousands in boxes in multiple addresses. I’m a stickler sometimes, things have to be exactly the way I want them or I am an unhappy camper. I love poetry. I love a good hug, even better, a good simple passion-filled kiss.  I want to be loved and not the “love” I have had, I want to be LOVED completely and fully. I want to be completely understood – and not the I know you because we’ve had a few conversations understood, but know me. Know what makes me tick, smile, laugh, cry. Know what hurts me, makes me feel better, care about me the way you would want to be cared for. I’m a true Sagittarius. Flirting is in my DNA I swear!  I’m my father’s daughter, the baby-girl, I am spoiled, deal with it? Ha. I don’t like for things to be repeated to me. I get it once, unless I didn’t hear you, that’s totally different. I don’t like for people to talk to me like they are smarter than me, especially when I know you aren’t. I don’t like sloppy wet kisses. I don’t like holding hands. I don’t like men who don’t captivate my mind, I’m not an easy lay.  I’m smarter than I give myself credit for. I’m better than I think I am. I’m better than I admit I am, at many things. Not just poetry, not just writing, but singing and speaking. I love SUDOKU even more than the typical puzzle. I’m a computer geek. I type 97 wpm, my ten key is over 13000 strokes a minute.  I am brilliant in ways I have yet to discover. I will be remembered, trust me. Finally, I loved you. Each of you differently, but that love was so real and so genuine and you didn’t respect it. You didn’t treasure it like you should and I accepted that. I know that now, took me until now to know that. But each of you have contributed to the way I address -ships now, the damage I feel has been done to my little heart. The way I shield my soul now. You have made me indifferent to men and women. I view friendships harder, I view relationships even harder than that. I’m happily single now.

In all these years, I harbored so much anger towards myself. So much grief. So much sadness about the things I have done, the life I have lived, the ways I have changed. But I have made peace with myself and my mistakes, have you? Have you made peace with yourself for the ways that you live? For the things that you do? For the words that you say? For the people that you hurt? I have. You seem to believe that you hold weight over me, you live on this pedestal in my life… but you don’t ANYMORE. I stand on my own pedestal now. You know, it’s always been so easy for me to dismiss people when I feel they have crossed that final line, the last straw that broke the camel’s back, and every other cliche known to man. It’s easy for me to meet people and welcome people into this outer ring I have. I may have 5 real friends now and that’s by choice. I don’t know if I want to battle the uphill climb of getting so close with people because people will betray you. Like you have, each of you. And I forgive you for the pain you have caused me and for the evil thoughts I may have had towards you, I hope you forgive me too. It takes too much damn energy to live with such vengeance in your heart and I did for so long for so many people. People who crossed me, lied on me, lied to me, hurt me. People who thought they were better than me. Hate is easy to feel. Hate is easy to harbor. Hate is hard to move past sometimes, but I have. I don’t hate you anymore. And I used to really dislike using the word hate or even feeling like I could hate someone, but I did and I harbored it heavily within for years. Years of hate fuel the hate in the worse way but now… I’ve grown from that person. I wish you well in your life even though you may not wish me the same. I actually wish nothing but good things will happen for you in whatever future you plan. Because I know I have so much good coming my way because of all the hell people have placed in my life. And I was so tired, life had become so draining because you had all drained me of ME. But I have her back. Don’t you hate it? I know you wish the damage you thought you had done to me would break me… But YOU CANNOT BREAK ME. You never will, though you may hurt me, I will always rebound. I will always bounce back, because I was always better than you. I just didn’t value myself enough to see it. I didn’t treasure me the way I should have. I didn’t trust me the way I should have. Hell, I didn’t know me the way I thought I did.

It took me until this moment to realize that I am much better without you than I was when I was with you. I don’t hate you, in some small part of me, I still love you, but there will never be another you in my life, nor will I ever welcome you back.

Inspired by…. Him. Title is still being played with tho.

#40 - PLAYGROUND

Your hamma creates this playground
because you nail ecstasy into me every time/I climb/
on top of you like a jungle gym/
your tongue strokes bar to bar, ooo… please tease them
my hips twirl like a merry-go-round/
every way you like, any rhythm can be found/
swing your tongue inside me slowly feel my passion ooze down your slide/
become my personal seesaw that I just can’t wait to ride/
I’m up and down…. up… and down…/
Rising into the air until you pull me right back there/To you… my personal playground

#39 – NO WORDS

The words never form when he’s near her
So she seduces him with her silence
Her secret stares whisper private thoughts to him
She glides near him, her scent intoxicating
They touch in passing, no words do they say
He watches from the darkness, she smiles at the shadow
They make memories with their glances
Of heavenly romances and magic heartfelt moments
But… no words do they say

#33 – SILENCE

Silence slithers into the room sneakily

Finds its way to its prey and conquers them easily

The constriction from its coil continues until nothing is heard

And the venom from its fangs paralyzes all and any words

Before silence slithers slowly from the room.

# 32 – FORCED POETRY

I wont force myself to write another poem for you to deem it’s worth
I wont open any wounds that make me swoon, they fill my veins with hurt
I’ve tired my brain of computing the pain my heart feels written between the lines
And connecting the dots from the thoughts I’ve fought sometimes don’t always rhyme
But hell…
I’m a poet and I know some things I simply won’t say
Because to me, it just sounds better when I say it this way
I’ve had my heartbroken
I’ve carried burden’s token
Allowed myself to be trampled over
Minutes equalled years when I should’ve lived sober
I’ve been lied to
Done things I shouldn’t do
I’ve been cheated on
Lost battles I should’ve won
But that girl in that world, to move forward, I gotta leave behind
Gotta climb over every hurdle and knock down every closed door in my mind
Look beyond the reflection and take back what’s always been mine
I’m getting better, getting stronger, getting wiser with time
And there may be days when I can’t seem to find the words to say
It’s never really my plan to have things happen that way
But I won’t force another poem because forcing leads me back to what I know
I won’t force another poem because forcing doesn’t help me grow.

I wrote it tonight… there’s been a tangent of “damaged” posts lately… so I figured I would post it. I dunno. It may not be understood, it might be all too well understood. Who knows. Here goes.

DAMAGED

How you received me

Was deceiving

And I’m still needing

Completing

So complete me

COMPLETELY

Before it’s too late

And I can’t be saved

Weighed down from all the baggage

I’ve been damaged

I’ve been bandaged

And I’ve been packaged

Soon I can’t be salvaged 

Now this may lead to more than one part of this piece…I hope the message is clear. It’s technically not for anything other than myself. But it is a piece I wrote today and I will look for a breakdown Mr. 1%.  You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to hate it. You can comment if you like, it’s not really for you to understand. It’s for me, sometimes they work out that way.

# 29 – … (For Me… I Have To)

This beginning is the ending of the missing and the wishing

Hoping, praying that you’re staying but I’m exhausted from debating

The reaction of attachments and subtractions has me aching

The memories that stem from we, now swim in me I’m smothering

I’m suffering from hovering above this love and in between

My heart wont beat, my mind can’t think, my souls been breached that love’s impeached

I hope you see the return of me is all that I have chose to seek

It’s not erasing or replacing, but my sanity needs saving

From the struggle of this puzzle, to this love I have been slaving

All alone in this home, since you’ve been gone I’m on my own

And your cologne… leads to instant bad days and constant replays of sad songs

That keep me sinking with this thinking that this love will soon return

But it’s that fallacy allowing me those moments that I yearn

Can’t move forward from a past that is falling from my grasp

Can’t keep hoping for a present while I’m pleasant in my past

And I’m faking when I’m making the smile slide across my face

Because I’m stuck here in this rut of my continuous pained pace

Let me wake from this place that was safe in our history

Wave to days with no weights and no hate from old misery

It’s not forgetting or omitting, you’ll forever be within me

But the emotions I’ve been holding have been keeping me from living

It’s not a want, it is a must I must contain our sacred trust

Return it to the covert jar inside my heart I’ll never touch

And there you’ll stay locked in my safe… the memories will never fade

They’ll stay inside; from me they’ll hide, and never will replay

I’m asking that you’re happy with the message that I’m sending

Know this ending that I’m penning is the ending of the missing.

#27 – AVERAGE GIRL

(sings: Im not the average girl from your video/And I aint built like a supermodel/But, I learned to love myself unconditionally/Because I am a queen/Im not the average girl from your video/My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes/No matter what Im wearing I will always be…)

well… I’m not the average girl from the video/not/ tryna be in one either or hang out at the studio/though/it’s nice to be adored, you can’t afford my price/ I alone have more worth than what the FDIC can supply/I’m built on concrete ideas and TNT dreams that’ll blow your mind/Search the complexity of my being/The visual aid is misleading/Even if you were my thoughts/You’d never know what I was thinking/Try diving into the deepest and darkest of my mental corners/Delve into all of me and dare to find my 7 wonders/Unravel the secrets of my brain just to begin to see the puzzle/Reach the caverns of my soul that have yet to be discovered/Hold my heart in your hands and feel the ache of my heartbeat/The ripple of my emotions will lead to notions of knowing/My fantasies/Will leave you panting/Sweating/In my suana sweltering/Yet still you’re measuring/by the surface see/and the surface me is more deserving/of preserving than all the treasures of the world/Examine me and look deeper… I’m not the average girl.

ISLYmore 11/8/08

WRITER’S BLOCK

It’s like my lungs won’t expand and I need to breathe

Like… the words don’t form when I need to speak

Like… can’t find a pen and got barrels of ink

Like… no memories appearing and I need to think

Writer’s block…

It’s like wanting to keep living but having no heartbeat

Like… wanting to fill a hunger but there’s not food to eat

Like… needing to travel distances and having no feet

Like… trying to move mountains and being just a little too weak

Writer’s block…

It’s like trying to make a sentence and not thinking of any verbs

Like… screaming loud as you can and never being heard

Like… riding on a boogie-board and can’t catch the smallest surf

Like… having a million dollars but never knowing worth

Writer’s block…

It’s like trying to plant a seed and not finding any dirt

Like… begging to feel pain and not knowing what is hurt

Like… wanting to catch a man and being unable to flirt

Like… going for a touchdown and running the wrong way on the turf

I’m tryna write right with all my might…

But… That’s what writer’s block feels like.

EYEING SOMEONE ELSE

I see you checking me from across the room/

you may not have noticed/

but I been peeping you too/

hoping you would come over and poly’ with me/

but when you did I couldn’t even speak/

See…

The words tiptoed silently across my tongue/

and you couldn’t even hear them/

because they wouldn’t even come/

you couldn’t hear me when I said/

I know I’m not perfect/

but you could perfect my head/

I know…

Maybe you think my eyes are too tight/

or my skin ain’t that bright/

or maybe my breasts are too big/

and you don’t like the shape of my chin/

you might think my stomach’s not flat enough/

and my attitude is a little too rough/

but I could change all that for a chance at your love/

Well…

Maybe you think I don’t talk “that black”/

I don’t walk with that sway that often attracts/

I know you probably think my head wrap’s tied all wrong/

you probably wonder why I don’t keep my hair that long/

but does all that make you bypass me/

can’t you look past these little insecurities/

I mean…

I know you think my poetry’s too sappy/

you think my hair is coiled just a little too nappy/

but I already know I’m far from perfect/

so what exactly does that mean/

That I could never be suit to be someone’s queen/

but maybe/

I’m just letting my insecurities get the best of me/

so maybe you should stop and take just

ONE

MORE

GLANCE

Perchance you’ll see me for the first time/

you wont be so deaf/

wont be so blind/

but that’s another night/

when I finally feel right/

and I’m fine

BY

MY

SELF

But until I am/

I’ll always see you/

eyeing someone else.