October 28, 2008

• Broken Woman

  So.. Mr.Big Show asked me… a very personal question…about a very personal thing. And initially I was gonna juss dismiss the thought of even responding bc it was so very close to my heart, but alas. Here I am pondering about the very thing. I’ll sum it up with two words… Broken Woman, hence the title of the blog. And yes, it will be long! So read if you want, skip if you don’t.

  …Vol I… ALIAS 

  A distant yet constant memory. See Mr. A and I first began to know each other in 2001. I was a freshman at FAMU at the time (no, I never finished school there or anywhere, but one day, maybe), now Mr. A was an artist – a rapper to be precise. And while every other female wanted to know his alias, I wanted to know him. Not the rapper, not the hood star, not the handsome dude… I wanted to know the man behind all that. And I thought I had him. I thought he was mine. I thought what we had was the beginning of something wonderful. Because when he looked at me, the world stopped moving around us and there was no one else in it with me, but him. And I’m sure most women can understand that. It was as if we were all that there was, when he smiled… Shoot… I melted. And not that gushy legs wobbly melted. It was that… I melted into his being. We became inseperable. We were instantly linked. In ways I had never been linked before. I almost let this guy take my virginity… hell, I would have if he wasn’t… nevermind. Anyway… we will call him Alias. Now Alias was what I thought I wanted in a guy. He was 6’5, dark skinned, braided hair, beautiful white teeth, no kids, 2 yrs older than me… Alias had a way of helping me let go of all the bad from men and believing in them again… Which is extremely hard for a woman after being burned by a man before. Now don’t get me wrong, I had my fair share of entertainment at FAMU… until he came along, I saw no one else but him and if I did see them, they failed in comparison! I was his muse. I was his backbone. I sat and listened to his raps and helped him fix what didn’t work. I was there. Wholly and fully. And he was my missing piece. He could make me smile, laugh, giggle, and grin just by saying hello. He had that power over me and I liked it. I won’t pretend like I didn’t.

  Then the school year came to an end, I was going home for the summer break. And I knew it would be hard to maintain a long distance relationship… not impossible, but hard. And it was. But I stuck it out and I was under this blind belief that he was too. Of course, he wasn’t but I had no clue. I was young, I believed he wouldn’t hurt me, simply because he promised never to. And those I love you’s… man… those I love you’s. Were real. There was no doubt and I am really intuitive. Always have been. So for me to say there was no doubt, there was really not a single shread of it. Zoom forward some, he comes to visit me by choice, I didn’t ask him, he asked me if it was cool and I agreed. So he came to visit me… A week. He came from Florida to Dallas to visit me and I was estatic. My man was coming to town…. and boy did he come. I showed him how great Dallas was, we visited everything we could visit, drank, had great times. I even had a friend for his lil brother who also came for him and they did their thing. So after the week passed… AND I STILL MAINTAINED MY VIRGINITY… I knew he genuinely loved me or at least, he wasn’t just “loving me” for the poonani… See I have always been a poet, I have always been able to express myself through words so before he left, I wrote him a simple note in his rap book. Mind you this is a book that no other female has ever even had her hands on… the one and only with rythmes dating back to hell 1998 in it… and I held it in these small hands like it was the Holy Grail. Imagine me?! Yeah. So I wrote in it. I left my mark in the book, not because I was being a typical female and marking my territory, but because I knew he had potential to be a star and I wanted him to know that I had that absolute faith in him and I would always have that faith in him and of course… I loved him. Then he went home. And like a girl, I cried during the goodbyes. We kissed publicly, because again, we were the only people that existed then like before. (Now I say publicly bc I hate PDA’s and hate seeing them too!) He went home. 

  Then hell hit and rocked me to my core. A week later… I get a phone call which was random, because it was from a number I didn’t know. But the area code as his so I assumed he was calling me from maybe his mom’s house or something. I answer it… and lo n behold… you guessed it. It’s a bitch! Not just any bitch… but HIS bitch, she says. We’ll call her Lil Mermaid. She wanted to know who I was and why did I write in his rap book, because she doesn’t even get to touch it… but she found it snooping in his room. Lil Mermaid stole my number from his caller ID and called me! And I was 19 yrs old. I didn’t believe in that kinda drama. I didn’t even really know how to react. Because in that singular moment, my heart broke. Into tiny fragments. Into minute little shreds. Here I am, the side chick? Couldn’t be, right? So I asked who she was… Lil Mermaid told me her name and that “she was his woman, he drives her car, and she gave him the money to come see me. So who the hell was I and why was I so important?” But I had to keep it together because who was she to call me anyway? Then Lil Mermaid tells me, not only is she is woman but he doesn’t think she knows but she knows he has not one, but TWO other bitches he deals with there too! So I politely told her… Hell, seems like you need to check yo man then. Yo dude came all this way to eat me boo and thass all he did. So why you worried bout me – thousands of miles away – and you got two bitches at home you need to be concerned with? Then she flipped it and hit me with the “I’m juss tryna tell you. One woman to another” biz… I ended the call… He called when he got home and played dumb like Lil Mermaid hadn’t hit him with the scoop… and he juss wanted to talk to me. So I told him what it was, I didn’t tell him then how I felt. But then he calls a couple days later… to tell me, Lil Mermaid was pregnant with his child. And then I finally broke. This man that I envisioned having my first child with… was already going to be a daddy with someone else. And for the longest time, we didn’t speak. I didn’t speak to him at least. He emailed, he called. I ignored. It hurt too much. The pain was constant and I relived it everytime he would speak to me. But now… his son is going on 5 I think. And he has a girlfriend he loves and has pics with all over the internet… And I’m really happy for him. We are still really good friends, but I finally got the courage to admit to him how I felt then THIS YEAR and he apologized and we’ve moved forward. …I bet she doesn’t know he still tells me he loves me everytime we talk.  

  • 12:49 am
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