Seemed like the longest day. Even today doesn’t seem to be progressing, even though I know that it is. It’s weird. And I didn’t even blog!?!? Or did I?

Don’t you hate conversations… that are pointless? I mean, I don’t care how much fun you had last night. I don’t care what you did. Or who you were with. I really just don’t care. Is that bad of me? I mean, I wasn’t invited to these wonderful festivities, not that I would have went even if I was. But do you have to call me with the updates of your fun times? Do I really seem that interested? I know I don’t. I know I have the ‘I-Dont-Give-A-Fuck’ tone… so catch it please and end the nonsense for my sake. Today is just not the day.

So last night. My friend called me at 7:30 to ask me to pick her up at 8:00. WTH? First of all… Grey’s Anatomy comes on at 8 and she knows this. And she knows I’m a fan. Secondly… you don’t call nobody and ask them to pick you up in 30 mins. Nobody can tell me that she just suddenly found out that she was getting off in 30 mins. And why am I the selected person she called, when she hadn’t even talked to me more than 10 mins all week? FRIENDS…. MR.SHOW…  BOO FRIENDS!   And even though gas is what 2.02 here… the 10 bucks she offered wasn’t enough to drive 30 mins away, pick her up from her job, take her another 10 mins away to her house and return the 30 mile journey back home. Maybe it’s me. MAYBE it’s me. But friends… boo to them when they are not real. I could rant on her for a while, but I won’t do that… MR. INSIDE… think of Dan-yeezy… and that’s her in a nutshell fareal! Pregnancy stories and all! But…

Now don’t confuse it. I am a people person. I love people. I love meeting people, conversing with people, laughing with people… all kinds of fun things with people. But hell sometimes… I like to be by my damnself. No phone, no computer, no texts…. just me and my good book or my good movie and it’s not because I’m antisocial. I just get tired of being the leaning post. The listening ear. The tissue grabber. The complaint box.   Then when I need to have anyone be those same things… Poof! The same people who needed me, are no where to be found… Friends… Mr. Show… How many of us have them? Don’t confuse it. I have friends. Real friends… I got maybe 6 of em. People who say they are my friends… prolly hundreds! People who know me… could be thousands. I’ve lived in Florida, Dallas, Houston. I’ve visited NY, Philly, Washington, Cali, Cinncy, Bahamas, I’ve met people… exchanged info with people… all over the US… And if I visited where they live, I’d hang with them. I’d meet up with them. But does that make them my friend? Most likely not.

And now… I am actually involved in a conversation I want to be in… Obama/McCain talk. I won’t include you all because we all know how those go. By the way… I voted. Have you? Or are you in a city without early voting? And another thing… if you are voting for McCain over Obama simply because you don’t want a black man to be in office… bc “white is good and black is bad”… YOU ARE WACK. And if you are voting for Obama simply because he’s black… YOU’RE WACK-ER. And if you think Palin will be a great president in the event that McCain passes away… YOU ARE THE WACK-EST! And this is not a political blog either. So don’t hit me with the politics… I won’t go there with anyone.

I have been feeling really old lately. I’m not as old as I feel but I feel old none-the-less. So when exactly is a person old? When she can no longer do “the stanky leg” or whatever the latest dance craze is? And I don’t know how to do the “stanky leg” or the “harlem shake” or the “chicken noodle soup” or none of those retarded lookin’ dances because of that reason. I think they are retarded and you look silly doing them, note to ppl who do those dances at the club and think they are cute! YOU ARE NOT and the DANCE DOES NOT MAKE YOU HOT! So please for the sake of all the other ppl in the club secretly laughing at you or laughing at you on the inside – STOP.

But I digress. I sat on the back porch last night talking to my little brother who is 22… and I said “man, I feel old.” He shrugged it off as me joking but on the inside I felt like a 67 year old grandmother and I don’t even have kids! I see all these young girls and guys and I remember. I remember. REMEMBER? Like it was so long ago. And I attribute my fast aging to living such a fast life when I was younger. I partied and partied and partied and partied… I partied so much… when I was in school ppl would ask me what was the happening things for the weekend!?! Odd… But I was cool. And cool was the thing to be then I guess. So when exactly is old? When you can no longer touch your toes without your knees cracking? Not there yet. When you can no longer do all the wild positions sexually without being exasperated too soon?? Not there yet either. So when is old? Someone tell me. Because I really feel old and I am only in my mid 20s… A lady never tells! (But it shouldn’t be hard to find out either)

Do I feel old because the thing to do now is get married when you are 21? And I am not married?!?

*Is that a bad reflection of me? I consider myself to be really picky… and not accepting of any and everything from any and every one but…  to that!*

Am I old because the thing to do now is have 3 kids by the time you are my age? And I don’t have any?

*Another could be bad reflection of me… But I don’t want to be someone’s baby mama either! Nor do I want a baby daddy who can’t pay his child support because he doesn’t have a job or has 3 other kids he’s paying support on but…  to that!*

Am I old because young boys have a thing for me?

*Isn’t that what they say? Young boys tend to go after older women for whatever reason? Albeit… young boys can be really fun sometimes, but I’m not in the business of being someone’s mother or teacher…. A big  to that!*

So when exactly is old? Is it the point between 20 and 30 or  30 and 40? 40 and 50? But.. if 40 is the new 30 and 30 is the new 20? Is 20 the new 10 then….? And that’s just a big steaming pile of horse manure! I said it, I said it. And I mean it. So old… to me… is that point when everyone seems younger than you! When everything seems like you’re too old to do! When you outgrow the habits of your youth and start being a grown up! When you enjoy watching the news and watch it repeatedly! When you become a CNN junkie and even while you watch something else… always flip back during commercials!*Am I the only CNN junkie in Xangaland?* When the days seem short because you do nothing but the same things everyday… get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, eat dinner, wash dishes, catch a show/read a book, take a bath, catch the news so you can see what the weather is going to be the next day, plan your work outfit for the next day, pray, go to bed and repeat (times the number of days you work)! When the club is boring! When the party scene itself is too tiring to even think about! When you have a savings account with an actual amount of money in it!

When you become an adult… Do you then become old? Hmm…

Another installment of poe-tree…

-ING (A suffix)

I am existing

without you I’m just living

like the sands in the hourglass sifting

from one corner to another trickling

back and forth every time flipping

my emotions like a trapeze artist dangling

between don’t want to be alone and alone fearing

the ability to love again fleeting

is the thought of being loved drifting

like the idea of you completing

me disliking you because my lips wont form to say I hate you    

unfitting when I don’t, I just am                                                   

venting because I wish I could be unrelenting

but its not me, I’m too forgiving

when it comes to you, you are addicting

like a drug I began injecting

you into my body and now I’m a fiend needing

you so badly it hurts wanting

your love neglecting

me so I’m alone, you were one half and I was depending

on our unity to make it… I am believing

that it’s all a fallacy and that I’m not just waiting

on a love that is incapable of truly being

what it was, but you and I are changing

into strangers and we’re no longer trickling

from one corner to another sifting

like the sands in the hourglass living

without you I’m just existing.

© 2/7/04 ISLYmore

So.. Mr.Big Show asked me… a very personal question…about a very personal thing. And initially I was gonna juss dismiss the thought of even responding bc it was so very close to my heart, but alas. Here I am pondering about the very thing. I’ll sum it up with two words… Broken Woman, hence the title of the blog. And yes, it will be long! So read if you want, skip if you don’t.

…Vol I… ALIAS 

A distant yet constant memory. See Mr. A and I first began to know each other in 2001. I was a freshman at FAMU at the time (no, I never finished school there or anywhere, but one day, maybe), now Mr. A was an artist – a rapper to be precise. And while every other female wanted to know his alias, I wanted to know him. Not the rapper, not the hood star, not the handsome dude… I wanted to know the man behind all that. And I thought I had him. I thought he was mine. I thought what we had was the beginning of something wonderful. Because when he looked at me, the world stopped moving around us and there was no one else in it with me, but him. And I’m sure most women can understand that. It was as if we were all that there was, when he smiled… Shoot… I melted. And not that gushy legs wobbly melted. It was that… I melted into his being. We became inseperable. We were instantly linked. In ways I had never been linked before. I almost let this guy take my virginity… hell, I would have if he wasn’t… nevermind. Anyway… we will call him Alias. Now Alias was what I thought I wanted in a guy. He was 6’5, dark skinned, braided hair, beautiful white teeth, no kids, 2 yrs older than me… Alias had a way of helping me let go of all the bad from men and believing in them again… Which is extremely hard for a woman after being burned by a man before. Now don’t get me wrong, I had my fair share of entertainment at FAMU… until he came along, I saw no one else but him and if I did see them, they failed in comparison! I was his muse. I was his backbone. I sat and listened to his raps and helped him fix what didn’t work. I was there. Wholly and fully. And he was my missing piece. He could make me smile, laugh, giggle, and grin just by saying hello. He had that power over me and I liked it. I won’t pretend like I didn’t.

Then the school year came to an end, I was going home for the summer break. And I knew it would be hard to maintain a long distance relationship… not impossible, but hard. And it was. But I stuck it out and I was under this blind belief that he was too. Of course, he wasn’t but I had no clue. I was young, I believed he wouldn’t hurt me, simply because he promised never to. And those I love you’s… man… those I love you’s. Were real. There was no doubt and I am really intuitive. Always have been. So for me to say there was no doubt, there was really not a single shread of it. Zoom forward some, he comes to visit me by choice, I didn’t ask him, he asked me if it was cool and I agreed. So he came to visit me… A week. He came from Florida to Dallas to visit me and I was estatic. My man was coming to town…. and boy did he come. I showed him how great Dallas was, we visited everything we could visit, drank, had great times. I even had a friend for his lil brother who also came for him and they did their thing. So after the week passed… AND I STILL MAINTAINED MY VIRGINITY… I knew he genuinely loved me or at least, he wasn’t just “loving me” for the poonani… See I have always been a poet, I have always been able to express myself through words so before he left, I wrote him a simple note in his rap book. Mind you this is a book that no other female has ever even had her hands on… the one and only with rythmes dating back to hell 1998 in it… and I held it in these small hands like it was the Holy Grail. Imagine me?! Yeah. So I wrote in it. I left my mark in the book, not because I was being a typical female and marking my territory, but because I knew he had potential to be a star and I wanted him to know that I had that absolute faith in him and I would always have that faith in him and of course… I loved him. Then he went home. And like a girl, I cried during the goodbyes. We kissed publicly, because again, we were the only people that existed then like before. (Now I say publicly bc I hate PDA’s and hate seeing them too!) He went home. 

Then hell hit and rocked me to my core. A week later… I get a phone call which was random, because it was from a number I didn’t know. But the area code as his so I assumed he was calling me from maybe his mom’s house or something. I answer it… and lo n behold… you guessed it. It’s a bitch! Not just any bitch… but HIS bitch, she says. We’ll call her Lil Mermaid. She wanted to know who I was and why did I write in his rap book, because she doesn’t even get to touch it… but she found it snooping in his room. Lil Mermaid stole my number from his caller ID and called me! And I was 19 yrs old. I didn’t believe in that kinda drama. I didn’t even really know how to react. Because in that singular moment, my heart broke. Into tiny fragments. Into minute little shreds. Here I am, the side chick? Couldn’t be, right? So I asked who she was… Lil Mermaid told me her name and that “she was his woman, he drives her car, and she gave him the money to come see me. So who the hell was I and why was I so important?” But I had to keep it together because who was she to call me anyway? Then Lil Mermaid tells me, not only is she is woman but he doesn’t think she knows but she knows he has not one, but TWO other bitches he deals with there too! So I politely told her… Hell, seems like you need to check yo man then. Yo dude came all this way to eat me boo and thass all he did. So why you worried bout me – thousands of miles away – and you got two bitches at home you need to be concerned with? Then she flipped it and hit me with the “I’m juss tryna tell you. One woman to another” biz… I ended the call… He called when he got home and played dumb like Lil Mermaid hadn’t hit him with the scoop… and he juss wanted to talk to me. So I told him what it was, I didn’t tell him then how I felt. But then he calls a couple days later… to tell me, Lil Mermaid was pregnant with his child. And then I finally broke. This man that I envisioned having my first child with… was already going to be a daddy with someone else. And for the longest time, we didn’t speak. I didn’t speak to him at least. He emailed, he called. I ignored. It hurt too much. The pain was constant and I relived it everytime he would speak to me. But now… his son is going on 5 I think. And he has a girlfriend he loves and has pics with all over the internet… And I’m really happy for him. We are still really good friends, but I finally got the courage to admit to him how I felt then THIS YEAR and he apologized and we’ve moved forward. …I bet she doesn’t know he still tells me he loves me everytime we talk.  

I try not to be a double poster and all… but I mentioned to him that I posted poetry… and then I realized I had only posted one poem… So… here’s another one for you!

i slept in your t-shirt just 2 be close 2 u/  but the emptiness i felt/ 
only proved what I knew 2 be true/  because even your shirt was cold/ 
and your scent no longer remained/  only the reminder of the pain u caused/ 
and the tears I cried, now stains/ 
memories of how my thoughts traveled miles 2 met yours many times/ 
only 2 find out later, that all of your thoughts were lies/ 
or… how I felt u even while u were away/ 
but between someone else’s legs was where u lay/ 
or… the way I closed my eyes every time your lips met mine/ 
only to find my kisses were with a stranger and I never should have been so 
blind 2 believe the picture u painted 4 me/  WAS JUST THAT…/ 
an image u airbrushed to let me see/ 
half of u was never what I asked for only what I received…./ 
AND I KNOW THAT NOW/ 
after yrs of pretending I knew that your love was just for me/ 
it pains me deeply because now I really can see/
that 4 me, you’ll never change/ 
and every morning u wake up and your pattern remains the same/ 
and I’m stuck in this cycle because I’m a fool/ 
THAT LOVES/ 
with all that I am and all that I can/ 
and I gave all of that 2 u, because I thought u were my man/ 
u robbed me of all I had/
…every tingle from your touch/
…every closed eye kiss/
…every need 2 just… c u/ 
U STOLE ALL OF THIS… 
because u never were real/
…so every bead of sweat I dropped on u/ 
…every tear I shed 4 u/ 
…and every minute I spent thinking of u/ 
WAS NEVER REALLY MEANT 4 U/ 
and even though I know this now to 2 true…. 
I still slept in your t-shirt just 2 be close 2 u. 

© 2/22/05  ISLYmore

I would have never thought it would happen to me. I don’t understand how it could happen to someone like me. I’m qualified, I’m an overachiever, I work hard and I work hard for others as well. And here I sit… home… middle of the afternoon… in front of the computer screen and here I am…

Confused.

Lost.

Unraveling.

I’ve been R.I.F.’d and for the first time since I was 18 yrs old, (I’m about to be 27)… I don’t have a job and no immediate source of income. I filed for unemployment, wont even get that until mid-November, and its 700 less than what I normally would make a month. Not that I am complaining about it, but I don’t know how to sit at home with no where to go or no job to go to everyday. I don’t know how to not have a paycheck. It would be an entirely different thing if I was not the most apt person in my department, I learned things about the systems the District used that I didn’t have to, but I chose to know how things worked so that if needed, I could teach someone else. And I got R.I.F.’d?? I get I was the youngest in my department and I likely had the least amount of years in my department – but I had worked for the same District since I was 18! I trained my boss on his job!! Ppl would bypass my boss and come to me for help because I was that knowledgeable. And I’m R.I.F.’d? And I don’t dislike the District, I understand business is business and I was on the shorter end of the years employed stick. I get it.

But here I sit… at home… middle of the afternoon… in front of the computer screen… and here I am…

Searching all the websites, getting the paper, making the calls, faxing my resume to companies and for what? Zilch? Nada? Still without a job and watching the news doesn’t make it any better! Hell – the economy is in the shitter! Layoffs are accruing massive numbers these days. And I have no job just like the next person who was R.I.F.’d. And for those who don’t know what R.I.F. means… its a fancy way of saying - ‘You’re fired!’… no, it means Reduction In Force… and you’re still fired!

Maybe you will catch the rhythym… maybe you won’t. It shouldn’t be too hard. But if it is, oh well. Figure it out. And please don’t duplicate this work… it is mine and no one else’s. If you’ve seen it, I am the author, always have been.

He Was My End Before I Even Began

He was my end before I even began to believe in love

Before I even knew what all it consists of

And

Before I even became to be

He completed me like water nourishes the seed

Like the air completes the earth

I bleed him internally

He was… with me since birth love…

My Creator

See he gave his rib

So I could have all twelve of these

We breathe

Each other

My Adam

His Eve… See

His soul completes

Every bit of me

His heart beats doubly

One for me and one for himself

We are each other’s wealth

Accruing thru time

He makes me feel like fine wine

And even then he was the grape

That gave his life to create me

He was my end before I even began to want a love

See back when boys were the enemy

And little girls had cooties

He was immune to my disease -I’ve always been his only

See

He needs to breathe and I inhale FOR him

I love him more than love can explain it herself

We

Are our own individual planet

Just he and just me

We

Are the perfect yin yang

We

Are complete

He was my end before I even began to feel the tingles

I get every time I see him

I dreamed of him ever since I could dream

He’s been apart of me

Even before I had time to understand living

I craved him

Couldn’t be without him

He was my best friend

So don’t think I’m crazy for talking so strange

Since I was speaking a language

That only he… and I speak

And even if I was deaf, dumb, AND blind…

He would hear, learn, and see FOR me

He was my end before I even began to know what love isn’t

Instead of what I thought it was

These feelings for him

Have been buried for eternity

Only for him to find

As his were meant just for me

He is my second to every minute

Without him- there is no time

There is no place

There is no memory

Because he is all that matters to me…

My KING and I am his COUNTRY

I am his all and he is my everything

He was my only and I was his infinitely

Because he…

Was always my ending even before I had a beginning.

© 7/23/05 ISLYmore

Music to Praise to. Get ya worship on!

I love these songs, juss a random mix for people to enjoy.

Okay… So I’ve been neglecting Xanga hard… I think I’ve missed a whole year of my life… so I will do another post of catch up later – for now – this is the latest web journal/blog I’ve written… and it came from my facebook! So like it or love it…

THE INDUSTRY

So maybe I love music a lil more than the average person. Maybe I enjoy a good beat more than a jumping hook. Maybe my musical tastes have expanded matured is a better word. I say that because I am amazingly baffled at the music industry as of 2008. Upset even. I don’t understand who signs artists and for what reason. I get that popular America is definitely into the bangin beats, repetitive hooks, and sythesized singing of today… but dammit if I am tired!!

*YET… while I am – AND I REALLY AM – tired of T-Pain, I love ‘Chopped and Screwed ft Luda’. I can’t help listening to it when it comes on. I think T-Pain is a lil’ crackish…’cause as much as you hate hearing him all the time, you can’t put the Pain down, he makes alot of songs hot. Shocker, I know. I am sick to my stomach to admit that… but come on folks. Shawty, So Hood, She’s Got It… (dammit insert any T-Pain hook song) – imagine anybody else on the chorus. Would it have been hot like it was without him? Take a moment, digest that thought and be amazed at your own conclusion! And yes, T-Pain has his own special paragraph/portion/whateva ya wanna call it! Bc… hell… he’s #1 on the list of artists I hate to like sometimes, I don’t know about you!*

Now… T-Pain, Lil Wayne,  Plies, ….  As much as I think they are cool dudes, how many times have you turned the radio on and heard nothing but those three for like 80 hours straight?!?! I’m sick of it. And it’s not the artist I guess. It’s the industry as a whole. Why does Lil Wayne have 5 songs listed in a 10 song rotation and then he’s gotta verse on at least 3 more!?!? He’s hot right now? I get. Gotta hear him all day long? I don’t get. It’s like… “Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee – Oo girl I can’t believe it, she all on me – Please excuse my hands, I apologize – Baby U can have whateva U like – What the hell did I do right, My life – Been chopped and screwed”! And that was juss in the last 10 mins… My own personal remix! *Maybe it’s 97.9 and K104′s doin?*

And then… It’s like the industry is just graspin straws… bottom of the barrel artists are getting signed and broadcasting their videos and I am juss sick of it! What happened to the good old music? Like Donny Hathaway and Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross and Angela Bofill and the Temps. Yes, they are dated… but when 19 yr olds are still jammin’ their music imagine the staying power of those kind of artists!? Can you see YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN bumpin T-Pain? Be fareal now?! Lil Wayne?  I don’t see it. And it could juss be me! But I can see my children’s children still jammin’ the Temps and Marvin and Frankie Beverly n Maze… EWF!!! List could be forever ya know!?!

(I object! The industry is still thriving!)  Now thass not to take away from artists like Jill, Erykah, Musiq, Lauryn, Jazmine, Chrisette. These are EXCELLENT examples of artists of our day who could have staying power. I’m sure I’m missing many. But these stand out to me. Dare I say Carl Thomas had one of the best freshman albums in the history of the late 90s-00s? Dare I say that and I dare someone to challenge me!? Lol. Almost every song was poetic artistry! Jill Scott! What can’t you say about her? Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu?!? I would go so far as to say that those three women are apart of the upper echelon of music of our generation. It’s wonderful to see women like Jazmine and Chrisette getting their due! Yes, I am sure I am forgetting many!  (Sustained.) 

AND IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME FOR THAT TOO!

Bc if I hear another Beyonce wanna be, I think I will literally juss tear my radio out my car altogether! I’m sick of the whining, screeching, shake ya booty songs! Is that all that there is for women to do in the industry? Make a sexy track where their half naked (or in a damn swimsuit (see Cassie  ft Lil Weezy F. Baby). Cuz thass normal!) in the video or better yet, make a booty shaking track where they dance the whole video? Come on. There’s other things to sing about in life other than the norm. Dare to be creative ladies! Dare to buss some windows out some cars and be ok!! *You liked that right??*

The death of the true music has been coming for a long time… and  if you doubt me… “DO THA RICKY BOBBY” and “IF YA LIKE IT THEN YA SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!”   (Nuthing further ya honor, nothing further!) 

- Sorry to all the Beyonce/Sasha fans of the world.  Not really tho. She’s another one I am simply tired of. And I thot her sophmore album sucked ass, and I’m sure this next one will juss be tracks she threw together to put something out to keep her name relevant. Dare I say, I liked Solange’s sophmore album better than Beyonce’s?! I think I juss did. Wow, what a thot!

And I rest my case.