Why must you whisper words that seduce my soul AND silently shatter my heart every time we speak? Who told you, you deserved the chance to become part of me?  I gave you all of me and expected nothing in return… so why was I so broken when i got exactly what I expected?

Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to feel for you every time I think of your touch, your lips against mine, your flesh against my flesh. Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to see when I look into your eyes and I see that soul that I secretly continue to believe was made just for me. Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to remember about you.

NOTHING.

But I can’t.

Because when I laid my soul prostrate before you, I allowed myself to believe that you were God sent. That when I allowed your slithering soul to penetrate mine, it was for more than the chance to poison me with the apple you called love.  I naively believed in the man before me. And I blindly wanted him to save me from… men…  exactly like HIM. I was so foolish to believe that my 18 year old self knew ANYTHING about this love I so desperately craved. Yet, was it foolish to love the best way you know how? Even then… my love was the greatest thing I had to share. And I shared it WHOLEHEARTEDLY with him. Not knowing that he was just a great artist. That everything he presented to me was false. The image he presented had been airbrushed to reflect such an honest man. The packaging was fresh, NO EXPIRATION DATE. The lines he displayed…. *smh* were magnificent. I ate him as if he were the last morsel of nutrition and I had been starving prior to him entering my life. He was a spider web. And I was the fly that so innocently allowed myself to be lured in. Unprepared for the thot that the smallest vibration would resonate and he’d quickly come to consume his prey. Never mind the other flies that were caught with me. Damn them for interrupting my prey-time. Because at that moment, I gladly became that fly for him. I willing triggered the vibrations that would bring him hunting for me. I opened myself to all of him and none of him.

I gave of myself to him. Freely. Hoping that he would treasure what I had to give unlike any other gift he’d ever received before. But that hope was hidden behind the expectation of nothing. I expected nothing in return and he gave me everything and nothing at the same time.  I still love him. That naive 18 year old that believed that love is what I thot it was then, knows that love is exactly what I thot it was. Even now, I find it hard to ignore him. I find myself secretly hoping that my vibrations are loud enough for him to remember that I am still his prey.

Because for him, I’m still that innocent fly.

And to him, he still owes me nothing.

I’m existin within your system of condition/
Your preconceived eulogies constantly create my ammunition/
And with them… I define the confines of my identity/
So everyday I’m afraid I’m exactly what I seem to be/
Because shrapnel from my shattered heart has surfaced through my tears/
And the scars of my past have embedded in my skin through the years/
While you targeted your thought torpedoes to fragment my brain/
So I’d believe when you say there’s nothing more for me to gain/
Then the grenades of growing pains caused the collapse of my entire frame/
Leaving nothing but my name left for me to stake my claim/
If you deem my life unworthy of living/
Cause the odds against me are constantly building/
Then you already know your system of condition is only aidin in my killin/
BUT I WANT TO LIVE
Well if my living means that I derail from this lane/
Please don’t stand in the way of my oncoming train/
That’ll break through every barricade so I can parade my way to victory/
Until I can finally etch S-K-D into the pages of history/
When I’m no longer existin within YOUR system of conditions/
Cause I’ve… uncovered all the lies you’ve disguised by your omissions/
Cause I’m… unwillin to live my life based on your calculated decisions/
So I’m… changin this arrangement with some personal revisions/
Until your conditional system is erased and replaced with my own permissions/
And MY system of condition is the only one I’m livin.

ISLYmore 10/25/2009

(i know its been a long time coming… i know… but i’ve been busy completing my book. Now I have a lil more time to write… so hope this goes over well. I’ll be back soon enuf. i missed u all.)

Dear God….

It’s been a very long time. And no, I don’t have all the words or all the thoughts. But I’m realizing that it’s okay to be that way sometimes. Sometimes a person has to just stop talking and stop thinking and just let. Let. Let the bad in with the good. Let the sad in with the happiness. Let the pain in with the pleasure. Let the sunshine in with the rain. Just let.

As you know, I’ve lived my life so long, so long living my life how I thought it should be lived. Not stepping back and letting you guide my life for me. So here we are, to the present, when it seems like my life is falling apart or had fallen apart soooooo terribly that I had absolutely NO idea how it was going to find order. I still have NO idea how it’s going to find order. But I’m certain that it will.

And maybe nobody will understand how it feels to wake up worried. Terrified that another day will pass you by and you have accomplished nothing other than existing. I’ve spent days just… walking the Earth, seeing time pass by before me and nobody knew how I felt on the inside. Because I never told them, I never admitted it to myself. I felt like I was invisible. I felt like people looked at me and even though I could physically smile, it took every bit of anything I had inside me to muster up enough strength not to cry because I was broken. Broken by men, women, family. I am still broken…

… but YOU are the glue that holds it all together. And I wasn’t giving YOU you’re just credit until now. Look how far YOU have brought me!!!! Because there is no way I could’ve made it this far without YOUR hand on me!

Now, I wake up with a new feeling. It’s no longer dread. I wake up excited because I’m not worried. Because I’m not sad. I’m not exhausted from going through the motions of every day. And it’s a great feeling to wake up excited because there is a light at the end of this long, rocky tunnel. And I know YOU can take me there. I just have to reach out for YOU. So… I’m reaching.

Please take my hand.

So… Something I wrote. I like it. Feedback please. (Shout out to Larry who gave me the idea!)

I am some kind of woman and I dare you to disagree

I could pour my soul out before you and you’d never understand me

You see this soul… MY SOUL… is constantly overflowing

With pain, pleasure, promise, and praise and I’m still growing

The ‘me’ you knew just yesterday is so far from the ‘me’ today

I could point you in all the right directions and you’d never come my way

The pieces to my puzzle are scattered, they aren’t for you to find

You could try to fit them one by one, but you’d never unlock my mind

I’M UNDEFINED

The definition of me is one that has yet to be discovered

Study every book and find I’m the one topic that hasn’t been covered

Because you cant learn anything about me from simply reading

I’ll tell you everything you need to know and you still wont believe me

I am the daughter of every mother… every woman is within

His rib begat my rib and that is only where my story begins

The wisdom of grandmothers passed is stored inside my cerebral safe

The determination of mothers raising fatherless sons paves my way

The strength of sisters taking care of siblings fuels my spirits daily

The pride of daughters looking up to me is what continues to save me

My heartbeat pounds like the biggest drum sounds from Mother Africa

My stare is as cold as the coldest winter in the coldest corners of Antarctica

Every woman from every corner of the world has some trace inside this one

Each of them is a part of me and there is nothing that can make me undone

I am this and that woman; she is me…I am her… that may be too hard to see

But I am some kind of woman, if you doubt me, try me, I dare you to disagree.

ISLYmore © 2/19/09

(Topic: Mothers, Style: Diamante, Emotion: Random – None )

Mothers

Beautiful, Powerful

Caring, Nursing, Shouldering

Women, Daughters, Sons, Men

Protecting, Teaching, Braving

Strong, Wise

Fathers

ISLYmore © 2/18/09

yeah so im back… dont know how long. cant really say. but i hope you enjoy the next few pieces i present. please, feel free to comment.

So… I’m experimenting. If you dislike it.. let me know… if you like it… let me know. Either way. I flipped cards. (Style: Terza Rima: A-B-A, B-C-B, C-D-C, D. Topic: Father(s), Emotion: Dried Up)

My father never told me he loved me, the man never said a single word

Hatred stirred and the venom spread, as if this pain would never finish

Because he never said goodbye, only the slam of a door is what I heard

Years I awaited this man’s return, the tears that streamed my face had no limit

Until they ended when I realized… that man was never really coming back

And it didn’t matter how I felt, it didn’t matter how much or hard I pretended

He was never there for me, to me he didn’t even exist, this is simply a fact

That the man I wanted in my life for all my life, didn’t even have a place

So I’ve left the dreams of that man in the past right next to the father I lack

And now I’m not ashamed to admit… …that I can’t even remember his face.

2/9/2009 © ISLYmore

(So… as usual, there is a preface to this piece. I love it. Period. If you don’t understand it… maybe it isn’t for you to. I hope you can appreciate it though, maybe you can’t. Who really knows. But… I really love it. Been a LONG time since I felt that way about a piece I wrote.)

This poem is not about you BUT… it’s about you
Every thing you said to me that wasn’t ever true
And all the things you said I’d never be able to do
Because you… simply… aren’t that important in reality
You only had power because I thought you were so real to me
When you were really only what I needed you to be
I asked you for support, of course you gave what you could
I leaned because you welcomed me, beside me is where you stood
But this poem… has never EVER been about you
It’s always been about me, but all you see is Y-O-U
Because that’s all your eyes allow you to view
But what you’re eyes don’t allow you to see
Is that THIS poem… has always been about me
Cause I bear the burden of the hurting on my shoulder
Self told me be strong, I’m trying is what I told her
Self said that’s not enough, tough is what the world is made of
Dammit girl, get it together, what is it that you’re afraid of
And… my life took a pause…
Because…
I was so busy including you in my life, I lost sight of me
Sight of all my dreams, all the things I wanted myself to be
Seeeeeee….. Wanting you in my life was easy to do
But putting you out was a game you refused to lose
Because you think it’s always been about you
It could never, ever be about what I learned about me
Through your petty arrogant eyes, I finally saw that she
That I always knew I was but was just too damn afraid to embrace
The she that was waiting to burst thru the broken pieces and replace
ME
Cause she had always been inside, I was just too blind to see
That I didn’t really need you, but you may have needed me 
And this poem… has still… never EVER been about you
It’s always been about me, but all you will see is the Y, the O, and the U
Because that’s all that you’re self-absorbed eyes will allow you to view.

1/29/2009 © ISLYmore

I feel

broken…
everyday
i am broken more
and more
over and over again
by thoughts
that dance in my mind repetitively
i shatter
into smaller pieces continually
because the mirror taunts me
constantly
i am broken
i am battered
i am bruised
and i am…
the broken pieces
they are all me
you must accept them
if you accept me
for they are
a part of me.

Well… someone has started a new epidemic have they? Admitting your xanga crushes are we?  Hmm… I might regret this later, but I doubt it. I don’t really care if they know or if they care!!! So… my xanga crushes are the following people.

Ste’phane Parker …  I mean, who wouldn’t crush on this guy? Somewhere between his words, his voice, his gap, his lips… sometimes even I find myself getting lost in that trance and imagining… hmm, I won’t go into any details. Because he is a mind reader… he can figure it out on his own. But then… some days – he’s like the brother I wish I had, the friend I go to for the best advice, the listener who always has an opinion and someone I truly admire simply because he is who he is. He’s smart. He’s a writer. He’s driven. He’s adorable. He’s sexy. He’s built (altho a little skinny for my personal taste). He loves women appropriately. He’s upfront. He’s got great motion. He’s a lover, not a fighter… but he will kick a dude’s ass if he steps to you the wrong way. He’s a freak! And who doesn’t love that?

Matt Smith … Hello?? What female that roams around Xanga regularly doesn’t know this guy and love this guy? I secretly wish upon stars for him!! He’s witty, he’s smart, he’s attractive, he’s sexy, he’s sarcastic, he’s honest, he’s cocky… (okay, okay… you’re confident ). He knows what he wants out of life, knows what he doesn’t want. He knows who he is. He can analyze you because he’s a closet shrink. Doubt me? He can’t wait to rub that psych degree in your face!  Plus… he endures the cold weather even though he dislikes it, but he secretly loves Ohio. He loves football, loves cereal! How can you not like that? And he always makes sure the toilet tissue is facing the right way!?!?! What more could you ask for? Come on. Only problem… he doesnt know flirting when it’s in his face. Lucky me, I haven’t started flirting with him… yet.

Sexy Sam … because he’s wonderfully articulate, sexier than… i dunno what but he’s sexy. Check out his profile pic if you doubt me! He always make me laugh reading his blogs. He’s so damn wonderful to read. Visit him sometimes. The guy has excellent thoughts and the way he describes things never lets you down. He’s so adorable, he’s handsome and he’s smart! He’s wildly creative too. Fun to be around, I assume. And he’s just an all around interesting character. Someone I truly believe is worth wanting to know.

Adrian …  Now he should already know why!!! I’m kinda thinkin tho – who doesn’t know why? I’ve admitted to it, many times. He’s a cutie, he’s quick to put someone on blast when they need it, he’s secretly shy but not really shy. He enjoys a good time. He’s a character. Did I mention he’s a cutie? He is honest and serious about his business. He’s positioning himself to get where he wants in life… He’s a cool guy, plus… he’s packing! *Darn it, I juss had to put that in there didn’t I?*

Kyle … I won’t put your last name on here for your personal privacy. But… his voice is soooo sexy. I think we secretly crush on each other from our safe places miles away. Lucky for you and lucky for me as well or we’d be sooo much trouble for each other. He’s tall, handsome, sexy. Beautiful eyes. Great physique. Did I mention his voice will make you weak in the knees? He’s seductive. He’s smart. He’s a great writer. Loves the kids. Great mentor. Overall – great dude. Some woman will be entirely too lucky when she catches him.

Now that these crushes have been admitted… don’t think I will be pursuing anything with these handsome devils or any of the ones I didn’t admit to (wink, wink). They are technically off limits to me, so… I will just have to crush on them from a distance. I won’t be flying to anyone’s town to see them, I won’t be secretly sending them messages about how I heart them, and I most definitely WONT feel any embarrassment about admitting this. It was all in fun.

Don’t be so serious guys!

*Okay… I might regret this later.*