December 14, 2010
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… I’m back… REPOST
Why must you whisper words that seduce my soul AND silently shatter my heart every time we speak? Who told you, you deserved the chance to become part of me? I gave you all of me and expected nothing in return… so why was I so broken when i got exactly what I expected?
Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to feel for you every time I think of your touch, your lips against mine, your flesh against my flesh. Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to see when I look into your eyes and I see that soul that I secretly continue to believe was made just for me. Nothing.Which is exactly what I want to remember about you.
NOTHING.
But I can’t.
Because when I laid my soul prostrate before you, I allowed myself to believe that you were God sent. That when I allowed your slithering soul to penetrate mine, it was for more than the chance to poison me with the apple you called love. I naively believed in the man before me. And I blindly wanted him to save me from… men… exactly like HIM. I was so foolish to believe that my 18 year old self knew ANYTHING about this love I so desperately craved. Yet, was it foolish to love the best way you know how? Even then… my love was the greatest thing I had to share. And I shared it WHOLEHEARTEDLY with him. Not knowing that he was just a great artist. That everything he presented to me was false. The image he presented had been airbrushed to reflect such an honest man. The packaging was fresh, NO EXPIRATION DATE. The lines he displayed…. *smh* were magnificent. I ate him as if he were the last morsel of nutrition and I had been starving prior to him entering my life. He was a spider web. And I was the fly that so innocently allowed myself to be lured in. Unprepared for the thot that the smallest vibration would resonate and he’d quickly come to consume his prey. Never mind the other flies that were caught with me. Damn them for interrupting my prey-time. Because at that moment, I gladly became that fly for him. I willing triggered the vibrations that would bring him hunting for me. I opened myself to all of him and none of him.
I gave of myself to him. Freely. Hoping that he would treasure what I had to give unlike any other gift he’d ever received before. But that hope was hidden behind the expectation of nothing. I expected nothing in return and he gave me everything and nothing at the same time. I still love him. That naive 18 year old that believed that love is what I thot it was then, knows that love is exactly what I thot it was. Even now, I find it hard to ignore him. I find myself secretly hoping that my vibrations are loud enough for him to remember that I am still his prey.
Because for him, I’m still that innocent fly.
And to him, he still owes me nothing.
Comments (1)
welcome back.