Dear God….

It’s been a very long time. And no, I don’t have all the words or all the thoughts. But I’m realizing that it’s okay to be that way sometimes. Sometimes a person has to just stop talking and stop thinking and just let. Let. Let the bad in with the good. Let the sad in with the happiness. Let the pain in with the pleasure. Let the sunshine in with the rain. Just let.

As you know, I’ve lived my life so long, so long living my life how I thought it should be lived. Not stepping back and letting you guide my life for me. So here we are, to the present, when it seems like my life is falling apart or had fallen apart soooooo terribly that I had absolutely NO idea how it was going to find order. I still have NO idea how it’s going to find order. But I’m certain that it will.

And maybe nobody will understand how it feels to wake up worried. Terrified that another day will pass you by and you have accomplished nothing other than existing. I’ve spent days just… walking the Earth, seeing time pass by before me and nobody knew how I felt on the inside. Because I never told them, I never admitted it to myself. I felt like I was invisible. I felt like people looked at me and even though I could physically smile, it took every bit of anything I had inside me to muster up enough strength not to cry because I was broken. Broken by men, women, family. I am still broken…

… but YOU are the glue that holds it all together. And I wasn’t giving YOU you’re just credit until now. Look how far YOU have brought me!!!! Because there is no way I could’ve made it this far without YOUR hand on me!

Now, I wake up with a new feeling. It’s no longer dread. I wake up excited because I’m not worried. Because I’m not sad. I’m not exhausted from going through the motions of every day. And it’s a great feeling to wake up excited because there is a light at the end of this long, rocky tunnel. And I know YOU can take me there. I just have to reach out for YOU. So… I’m reaching.

Please take my hand.